Sengkang Methodist Church...

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:3-4

I don't really get the first verse,
But I can definitely vouch for the second!
Yesterday,
I attended Sengkang M.C instead of A.G.P.C,
For a few reasons actually,
Firstly,
I wanted to get away from the usual crowd
And also run away from the memories,
Just for a day I needed reprieve...
[It didn't occur to me it was Easter Sunday, a sign of a New Beginning]
Also, I felt an urging to go to Sengkang M.C,
To find something...
All I knew was I had to do it...
I knew I was to task to announce something in AGPC that day,
But I knew I needed to go to Sengkang M.C instead...
So I did...
When I arrived,
There were baptisms going on, and it reminded me of my own...
I thought that was what I was suppose to find.
Wrong. That was just part of it.
The thing I was suppose to find, was that day's sermon
And a testimony from a lady by the name Siew Kien.
God thru the sermon asked me 3 questions:
1) Why I was created... [To be loved by God]
2) Why I was made... [To love God]
3) What is my purpose... [To worship God, worshipping thru our lives.]

And thru the lady's sharing,
She mentioned her husband,
And what drew her to him...
Man of integrity, man of God, someone who loves God,
Seeking to please God...
Basically everything a Christian brother ought to be,
And everything I was not...

Easter Sunday...
A new chapter?
A new beginning?
Perhaps...

Hope...

Running...
Everyday, every minute I'm running...
Away from reality, away from pain...
What would I not give for a moment of spring?
A moment of release from my inner distress.
Chaos meets me every morning,
Hope flees at every dawn...
I yearn to rest forever in peace,
But it eludes me,
For the Good Lord dictates that time...
What did bring joy,
Now bring sorrow,
What I knew as spring,
Now I know as winter...
I run everday,
But somehow only to return to square one...
Hope,
A wonderful thing,
Has turned on me,
And now become my greatest enemy,
A struggle for sanity...
I am broken, I am sad.
No words can express my loss, my misery...
I am confused,
I am in dilemma,
What is the TRUTH?!
What should I BELIEVE?!
Whose word is from the Lord?
Do I ignore them because they do not fit my hopes?
Or do I ignore them because I do not believe they're from God?
I cannot even trust my own judgements anymore...
My actions betray my thoughts,
My thoughts betray my heart...
I am tired...
I am weary...
Its 3am in the bloody morning and I am still running...
Why can I not be like her?
Why does my feelings always seem to be in the way?
Why do I even bloody FEEL???
I wish I was numb...
I wish my heart to be hardened...
To be cold like how life has been treating me...
Burdens...
Heap and heap of them...
When will I truly crumble?
I yearn to crumble...
I yearn to break till there is no more...
I yearn for His peace... His solution... His grace...
His balm... His deliverance... His provision... His gift...
His time... His plan to work out... His healing...
Tis' when I am truly broken can then
God begin His work of recovery...
The wounds fester,
The cuts deep...
No ones else can soothe,
But the one who delivered the blade,
And the Master who allowed it to happen.

Praise be to God who sees what I cannot see,
Hear what I cannot hear,
Protect those I love but I cannot defend,
Keep watch over all that I'm concerned for.

Praise be to God for He will deliver me,
Though I know not His ways and method,
But I shall be able to rest perhaps tonight,
That God is taking care of things...

Praise be to God who has taught me much,
And perhaps slowly prepping the one that I may
Spend my lifetime with...
Praise to Him that He is diligent at work despite my
Cries of mercy...
For it breaketh His heart too,
Everytime I tear,
But in His heart He knoweth this is for the better.
Like a parent applying ointment on a child's wound,
Though it aches the mother,
It has to be done.
So that healing can happen,
And a new chapter begins.

Though I've made countless petitions to Him,
Praise be to God who knows when is best,
who is best, how its best, why its best.
I still pray the same prayer every night,
I still hope for the same thing every night,
I know its for the better... No matter the pain...

Lessons from a hopeless angle...

If some darker lot be good,
Lord, teach us to endure
The sorrow, pain, or solitude
That makes the spirit pure. —Irons

Grrr... Chatboxes.... Cockenaden

Ok ok ok...
I've finally managed to add the linkies options into my blog...
Now as for those bloody chatboxes,
That's a real pain in the arse!
Been trying to integrate it into my blog
For the past 1/2 hour,
But to nada avail....
Only luck I had was actually
Creating a pop-up version of it...
Cockenaden....

This is me... Complaining...

" Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time"

This is so bloody frustrating!
This has so far been the crappiest time of my life!
I'd gladly trade it for field camp anyday...
As if losing the love of your life isn't bad enough,
Some nut decided to pass me the wrong colour code for the
Grilles I ordered for me client,
Now I have to fork out $280 to have it resprayed!!!!
What the helll!!!!
And what's more,
My client(Tenant) has a problem with her bath tub,
So I called the agent to settle it,
Cause' it was her responsibility to service her client(Owner),
By looking for a plumber on his behalf,
In the end,
I ended up with that crap!!!!
Come on!!!!
Bring it on... Bring it on!!!!!
What the worse that can happen now????
I mean really...
I wish I could just expire,
And be in heaven right now...
Life is not really good to me right now...
No I'm not suicidal...
Just infuriated....
At the problems that never seem to cease...

Its like a bunch of F***ing Alpha Auroras,
Bombing the balls out of your base,
And there is nothing you can do about...
Absolutely nothing, but to say "We're doomed!!!"

Life's way of saying,
"Nyah nyah nyah, nyah nyah... you cannot stop me!"

AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Cockenaden with a bunch of blistering barnacles sitting on the seashore!
Or
Bleah blah boo bam!!!!!!!!!
*Trying to restrain myself from vulgarities...*

When will I see light from this end of the tunnel?

TRUST....

Trust:
Something that I solemnly swear by,
For no relationship can possibly hope
To sustain without it...

Apparently, that's what happened to mine.
Somewhere along the way,
I must have misplaced it.
Misplace...
I think that is the appropriate word to use,
I misplaced it somehow,
Left it somewhere out in the cold,
Don't know where...

I had this angel that trusted me so completely,
Yet I've betrayed her by not being able to do the same.
Making ridiculous demands,
Causing stress and grief,
"Why can't he trust me?" she cries...
Deep within the guy,
Pride blinds the truth...
He is insecure,
He needs constant reassurance,
He knows it, but faces it not.
Insecurity causes feeling of uncertainty,
Paranoia surmounts,
Ludicrous thoughts linger.
He feels an illusionary distance,
A distance normally felt in a transitory period,
He is not used to it,
He is restless,
He is frustrated,
He wants to do something to change it.
So he inches closer.
Closer and closer he advances,
She feels his breath,
She hears his heartbeat,
"Too close!" She thinks...
She is suffocating,
So she retreats, backing up...
He sees this retreat,
Thinks he's losing her,
So he goes nearer,
She backs farther,
Soon the vicious cycle begins...
The relationship starts to break down.
And before you know it,
Its gone... Like the distant wind...

There's only one way out,
That the guy backs up.
But that can't happen unless he trusts her.
But what about the girl?
She has to move forward...
How?
Only God can move a heart like that...

Trust God first,
Trust her next...

Well, God-willing....
I only hope that I won't be too late,
[Something I must learn, to trust...]
Hope that she carries the flame for me,
[Something only she can fulfill...]
Hope that no one comes along the way to sweep her off her feet.
[Something only God can control...]

Trust:

1. To have or place confidence in; depend on.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
3. To believe: I trust what you say.
4. To place in the care of another; entrust.

Lord, grate me grace suffice....

Marriage...

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.

But then again, so are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention

to every word you say; talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!


Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure
of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as
one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which
one.


Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But
the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why
wife treats husband like toxic waste.


Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

God Help Me... Hope its not too late...

Had a long talk with a friend of mine,
I think that must have the most fruitful conversation
I've had for a long, long time.
He is someone who is rather perceptive,
And has gone through what I am going through
At this point of time.
Last night,
He taught me many things,
And he did not sided with my ideals,
But rather he told me what I should have done
But did not do.
Basically,
Last night, he made me realise that
All the issues that has happened so far,
Was the result of my own undoings.
I was the cause of the degradation of our relationship,
I had become a totally different person she fell in love with.
Knowing this now,
I know what must be changed,
But the road to recovery is not easy,
Therein lies a colossal obstacle,
That I've never really gotten over.
Also,
Though I'm fired up to change now,
There are 2 other problems now...
1) What happens if the fire in me right blows out?
2) It might be too late. The hurt that I've caused her,
Might be too much for her to bear,
And her heart would probably would have died long ago.

I really do not know the answer to these 2 questions now.
But I do know that if I do not try,
I would lose even more.

His Faithfulness...

Last night,
I came across something that troubled my spirit,
And I felt a lump in my throat.
It made me feel that
This path that I have chosen seem meaningless,
And question myself over and over again.
One simple word,
A flood of emotions,
But it is the reality of my status now too...
This is reality. Single.
It made me wonder, had she given up?

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
Perplexed, but not in despair"
2 Corinthians 4:8

Waking up with a broken spirit,
I prayed.
Somehow, a glimmer of hope lived.
I prayed a different prayer this morning.
I told God all my concerns,
And I gave them to Him,
For the burden is too heavy for me to shoulder alone.
All my cares and woes,
I told Him, and asked Him to take care of them for me,
For I am helpless to do anything about it.

"Do not be anxious about anything,
But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
Present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6

I did.
And a great deal of heaviness
Seemingly was lifted off me.
Though I still feel the weight,
But now it was easier to bear.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens. "
Psalm 68:19 (NIV Version)

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits,
Even the God of our salvation"
Psalm 68:19 (King James Version)

Both the versions talk about our burdens
But they point out different perspectives.
And both ring true.
God not only bears our burdens daily,
He blesses us with benefits as well.

Well, I have no news from her or from God,
Its like walking blind backwards for me right now.
But I guess, with God next to me,
I can be assured,
That all things will be good in the end.

Thank you Lord for all the trials,
For I see now that they have brought me
Somewhat closer to your presence.

To my dearest friends...

Thank you for your support,
And to whoever called P1-B...
Thanks so much for being there when I fell,
For helping me keep myself distracted,
And also to Celine, who made the call...
Really meant alot.

In moments like this,
Little blessings that I've taken for granted
Appeared so powerful.
I really do not know,
I really am afraid of the neg. possibilities
That the future may bring.
But it seems, there is only one way to go,
I will continue to wait for her.
Her word is good enough for me.
Despite the pain and all,
I've believe in the saying,

"Nothing worthwhile, is effortless,
Nothing valuable, is without a price,
Nothing, love will not sacrifice itself for."

I loved her then,
I love her now.
I do not know how God will salvage this,
But I believe in miracles...
I have done all I can,
But only God can move a heart that has gone cold.
Only God can open the door.
I probably seem as if I am trying to convince myself,
And none would be further from the truth.
I am...
I am confused.
I am seeking for answers only He can give.
I am hoping that what she has promised,
She will keep, though she is not obligated to.
I have my path,
I have made my choice,
To trust her even if its hurts.

Thank you my true friends,
Thank you for understanding.
God bless all of you.

God provided...

Finally,
God gave me hope.
Though it was brief,
Nonetheless it was refreshing.
Though, I still can’t think what has happen
Without breaking down,
At least,
In God I trust…
In God alone can we find our refuge there…

“God Will Make A Way”

God will make a way,
When there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side,
With love and strength for each new day,
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness,
He’ll lead me,
And rivers in he desert will I see.
Heaven and earth will fade,
But His Word will still remain,
He will do something new today.

-End-

I hoped.

God heard...

So I continued,
Searching for some balm to soothe my heart.
I chanced upon yet another song that struck me.
It provided some glimmer of hope…

“God Answers Prayers”

Have you ever talked to God above,
Telling Him that you need a friend to love.
Pray in Jesus’ Name believing that
God answers prayers.

Have you told Him all your cares and woes,
Every tiny little fear He knows,
You can know that He’ll always hear,
And He’ll answer prayer.

You can whisper in a crowd to Him,
You can cry when you’re alone to Him,
You don’t have to pray out loud to Him,
He knows your thoughts.

On a lofty mountain peak He’s there,
In the meadow by a stream He’s there,
Anywhere on earth you’ll go,
He’s been there from the start.
Find the answers in His word, it’s true,
You’ll be strong because He walks with you.
By His faithfulness He’ll change you too.
God answers prayers.

-End-

I grieved to Him…

God felt.

Today,
I was in depression.
Today was terrible; no amount of words could describe it.
So, I decided to pick up a songbook,
And one of the song really hit me hard.
Though, I know not how the tune goes,
But there is no doubt that this piece was created in distress.

“Give Them All”

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?
Are you tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life,
And at the feet of Jesus lay them down.

Give them all, give the, all,
Give them all to Jesus,
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, broken toys,
Give them all, give them all,
Give them all to Jesus.
And He will turn your sorrow into joy.

He never said you’ll only see sunshine.
He never said there’ll be no rain,
He only promised us a heart full of singing.
At the very thing that once brought pain…

-End-

I wept.

This Song...

This is a song I learnt on one of my mission trips up to Myanmar,
It was a song was compelled to sing to a woman,
A woman who was in dire need,
A woman who was in pain,
Though I did not know what exactly happened,
Not could I remember,
The only thing I recalled was that,
I was leading the team for the first time in singspiration,
And I was reminded of the song we were learning then,
As I sang the song,
One of the team members translated for me,
And then she started crying,
And it wasn't before long that the hut of people,
Started to cry too,
It was as if the Holy Spirit came
And helped us understand her grief,
While at the same time giving the woman some form of relief, hope...
From that day onwards,
I never forgot the song,
And in my times of distress I sing it to myself...

"There Is No Problem Too Big"

There is no problem too big,
God cannot solve it...
There is no mountain too tall,
He cannot move it...
There is no storm too dark,
God cannot calm it...
There is no sorrow too deep,
He cannot soothe it...

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,
I tell you my brother that He will carry you...

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,
I tell you my sister that He will carry you...

And He said,
"Come unto me,
And I will give you rest...."

-END-

Funny how we sought to uplift others,
And when we do,
We open ourselves to grace when distress comes.

www.crosswalk.com

Was reading an article on singles...
I'll elaborate the contents tomorrow,
Right now,
I'm just wondering about some things...

Ok,
I know for sure, trying to patch things up at this point of time,
Is definitely not God's will...

Sooooooooooooooo.....
From the article,
It mentioned Permissive will and Perfect will.

Permissive Will:
To ask and ask, again and again...
Till God choose to give in to you, because He loves you.
This may be good, but its certainly not the best.
The problem is,
Things don't usually work out right when we are only in His Permissive Will.

Perfect Will:
This is the ideal, the best scenario God had intended.
Basically, the way God had things planned.

Question is:
Which is which?
Is being with her in God's Permissive or Perfect Will?

This is my dilemnma....

You see,
I met her when I was finally contented
Or rather having come to terms with being single.
Though, I did ask God for someone,
I prayed that God to do it in His Perfect Will...
"Your Will be done", and for the first time I meant it...
And it wasn't before long,
That she popped into my life...
And the rest as they say is history...

So now the thing is,
Were we meant to be together in the first place?
I still believe so.
But I'm just not that certain as before.
Simply because on hindsight now,
I see God's hand in it...
Kinda like priming me for what to expect...
But right now,
I'm not sure whether what I saw then,
Was because that was what I wanted to see,
Or was it that was what it suppose to be.

I did remember asking God not to put her into my group before I met her,
I did remember not wanting to join the camp,
I did remember she telling me she did not want to join as well,
So why did the both of us participate at the last minute,
Why did she join my team?
Why was I given a chance to share with her my thoughts in a social setting unknowingly,
Why was I primed to accept her, despite my usual principles?
Why was I moved to forgive and love and treasure her totally?
Why was I worked on by God so thoroughly?

If God hadn't intended for us to be together,
Why?

And it is because there are so many unanswered questions,
That I cannot bring myself to accept that her presence in my life,
Is simply because I had asked God for it one too many times for someone,
That He finally gave in to me...
I doubt this is God's Permissive Will...

But like usual,
One will only comprehend this episode,
When we have passed the trial,
And moved on to another journey...

Is she overwhelmed?

Last night,
She and I had an unexpected talk together....
Unexpected in the sense that we didn't planned it...
Much was said,
But sadly, it seems we're nowhere near getting back together.
When I asked her about her thoughts about patching up,
Her reply was that she did not want to.
Not that she does not love me,
But rather she is not ready for it.
I still did not understand.

This morning a good friend of mine called from Canada,
And helped me see things from her point of view.
It did made some sense...
And upon further thoughts,
I added some of my own understandings...
For one,
When someone loves another
More than the other can reciprocate,
The person being loved more would feel the pressure
To reciprocate in kind.
Unfortunately,
When one is pressured in this case,
Not everyone can feel they can return the love sufficiently...
And there are a few ways they'll react...
One way, they simply bask in the love they receive,
And the giver would eventually burn out,
Conflicts would start, and things would break down...
The other way,
Is that the one on the receiving would try to better the other,
Like in a competittion,
Both would eventually be too exhausted to love each other anymore.
Another way,
Would be what both of have taken,
Or rather she has taken...
To call a time-out,
Or in this case choose break-up.
Is this the best solution?
I do not know.
My friend mentioned about being balanced...
Don't really understand that part yet though,
But I think she's trying to say,
That apart from being able to give,
One must learn to take as well...
When we do not take,
We deprive the other person the gift of giving...

Perhaps,
She's been giving all that she could probably muster right now,
And yet still feel that she's not given enough...

Perhaps,
She is overwhelmed, and does not know what to do...

But if that is the case,
Does it mean I have to love her less?
How can you love the other person less?
How can one choose control how much you love?
Why is this so confusing?
How is it that this problem surfaces only now?

Treasure it...

To those fortunate people,
Love your partners,
Don't ever let the relationship degenerate beyond salvage,
And above all,
Cherish and treasure what you have now,
For the person you love may not always be there...

1 Corinthians 13:4... LOVE

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..."

This is what most people using NIV version,
Would read and see that, "Love is patient"...
But I beg to differ,
Apart from simply waiting for the party to change,
Or find the answers that she seeks,
Check out what NKJV version says about Love,

"Love suffers long and is kind;
Love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up"

Indeed,
Love is long suffering,
To the person who loves,
It is a choice of suffering he chooses to go through,
Be it sacrifice or simply to wait in expectation,
And getting hurt or disappointed
Time and time again...
Love is a choice...
Not an obligation...
Love is loving out of one's own free will...
God chose to love us,
And He certainly was not obligated to love us,
Simply because He created us...
To love, even when it hurts,
To wait, even though it means being disappointed...