Hope...

Running...
Everyday, every minute I'm running...
Away from reality, away from pain...
What would I not give for a moment of spring?
A moment of release from my inner distress.
Chaos meets me every morning,
Hope flees at every dawn...
I yearn to rest forever in peace,
But it eludes me,
For the Good Lord dictates that time...
What did bring joy,
Now bring sorrow,
What I knew as spring,
Now I know as winter...
I run everday,
But somehow only to return to square one...
Hope,
A wonderful thing,
Has turned on me,
And now become my greatest enemy,
A struggle for sanity...
I am broken, I am sad.
No words can express my loss, my misery...
I am confused,
I am in dilemma,
What is the TRUTH?!
What should I BELIEVE?!
Whose word is from the Lord?
Do I ignore them because they do not fit my hopes?
Or do I ignore them because I do not believe they're from God?
I cannot even trust my own judgements anymore...
My actions betray my thoughts,
My thoughts betray my heart...
I am tired...
I am weary...
Its 3am in the bloody morning and I am still running...
Why can I not be like her?
Why does my feelings always seem to be in the way?
Why do I even bloody FEEL???
I wish I was numb...
I wish my heart to be hardened...
To be cold like how life has been treating me...
Burdens...
Heap and heap of them...
When will I truly crumble?
I yearn to crumble...
I yearn to break till there is no more...
I yearn for His peace... His solution... His grace...
His balm... His deliverance... His provision... His gift...
His time... His plan to work out... His healing...
Tis' when I am truly broken can then
God begin His work of recovery...
The wounds fester,
The cuts deep...
No ones else can soothe,
But the one who delivered the blade,
And the Master who allowed it to happen.

Praise be to God who sees what I cannot see,
Hear what I cannot hear,
Protect those I love but I cannot defend,
Keep watch over all that I'm concerned for.

Praise be to God for He will deliver me,
Though I know not His ways and method,
But I shall be able to rest perhaps tonight,
That God is taking care of things...

Praise be to God who has taught me much,
And perhaps slowly prepping the one that I may
Spend my lifetime with...
Praise to Him that He is diligent at work despite my
Cries of mercy...
For it breaketh His heart too,
Everytime I tear,
But in His heart He knoweth this is for the better.
Like a parent applying ointment on a child's wound,
Though it aches the mother,
It has to be done.
So that healing can happen,
And a new chapter begins.

Though I've made countless petitions to Him,
Praise be to God who knows when is best,
who is best, how its best, why its best.
I still pray the same prayer every night,
I still hope for the same thing every night,
I know its for the better... No matter the pain...