vulnerability...

its been a long long road to where i am now...
its almost surreal to look at life retrospectively
and to wonder where have i gone wrong?
or what could i have done differently to prevent the misery?
or what could i have changed to steer myself
off this beaten path?

though i have been blessed with many things lately,
but 3 things still pretty much elude me...

shoes...
i need a new pair of shoes cause i have no idea
how long more my current pair will hold out...
the rear of both sides have a mouth,
and they are making conversation with every step i take...

cash...
i am not a dud that sits and wish tons of money just
fall out of the sky, been applying for certain teaching
positions but none of them seems to be responding at all...
how i wish i could return to the times when i had more than
10 bucks in my wallet at anytime... and spending on the whim
was a possiblity...

last and most endearing of all...

partner...
she sure is elusive...
or perhaps i have utterly high standards...
then again i think not... i dun really have much of a
criteria list like some people... so i guess its just me
and my principle of not dating when i'm so bloody broke...
which sounds super contradicting...
i long to meet someone, but i have yet seen anyone that
really set my heart ablaze... and also i'm too broke to date...
so tat seems like a ideal place to be since meeting someone now
would not change the situation...
man it sucks... poverty...

i mean i'm grateful to God for all the gifts that have been
heading my way despite my nonsense...
i love the new mp3 player He has blessed me with,
but with no one to share it with,
both the news and the device, its still feels
its not all that right...
like something is missing and that i am missing out
on the best years of my life...
being alone and single...
at 26 and having your heart shattered my someone years ago,
being stuck in a moment and being fearful of relationships while
yearning for one... is pretty messy the feelings stirring within me...
no one knows...
this is a non-publicised site and my solace where i can
write incoherently and i dun really care...
to reveal the pain and tears i have to hide behind a
mask of certainty and jovialness daily...

what is the point of having a heart longing to love,
when i dun have anyone to love or the damn guts to do so
should i find that person?

things are said to be getting better,
then how is it i feel this way?

i dun want to meet her in my current state,
so i wish to be wealthier... not by much...
just enough to "qualify" to date tat's all...
was crazy to work FT and study FT last semester
just to "qualify"... alot of good it did...
burnt myself out, plunging grades and still i haven't
found her...

if only tomorrow,
i can be richer and meet her...
it would be perfect...
if...
a hypothetical situation...
hope...
postulations...
if...
if only...