The Broken Road...

Way Back into Love

2010-10-13T01:16:00.002+08:00

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1277780/way_back_into_the_love_full/

Way Back Into Love...

A perfect song depicting the situation in my love life...
stanza by stanza i see the revelation of the predication i find myself in...
yes i could use some direction...
and yes all i want is to find some way back into love...

but when i open my heart again who will be there in the end?

this is the moment where i am not sure if someone reciprocates the way i feel, but then again there isn't anyone in the horizon of whom i have the privilege of knowing, that i feel for in such a manner...

though there may be one...
but i do not know her except for her name, and i doubt she knows my existence...
she is simply gorgeous that's all i can say about her....
fr some weird reason i am holding out for her... the someone who is practically a stranger to me...

i've been lonely for long...
trapped in the past i cant seem to move on...

keeping love, hopes and dreams away, just in case i might need them someday...

there's gotta to be someone for my soul somewhere...

so what's your suggestion? i'm open to them...

the things He chose to reveal...

2009-01-04T00:39:00.002+08:00

although most of the pressing things i have
on my mind have yet to be told to me,
there are other interesting incidences that
God have seemingly chosen to show to me,
as if to tell me that He was glad that i have
chosen to follow His instructions...

like clues to a puzzle have i begun to learn how
to hear His gentle whispers...

not so long ago, i met a nice lady in church GN.
however, the first impression was nothing much to
speak of, cause i was led to believe that she was
possibly a teen (i was so wrong), and that was that.
however, things would have it, the ministry in church
which i was involved in resulted in us working rather
closely together. and as time went by, i found her
to be someone i would like to date when the conditions
was right. but not long before that thought came in
my head, i found out that she was attached to another
member in church via the world wide web (dun you just love it?)
the funny thing was, as if God wanted to make a firm stand
on this issue, on my way to church the day after i found
out abt her bf, i met them on the bus!
immediately, i had this understanding (and it was like God spoke)
that i was to steer away from this couple before me, and not
to interfere with them, cause God had plans for them...
and for the rarest of times, i remember saying "You got it!"
or something like that...

today, as GN and myself spoke, i kinda had a glance abt His plan
for the 2 of them. it appeared that GN had some family crisis (that
she resolved to resolve it this year), and that her bf was
instrumental in mediating the situation! he was God's way of blessing
GN!

i remembered thinking, "man i doubt i could have done what her bf
was doing in her family!" though i felt lousy for like a couple of
seconds, i was later excited for GN and her bf, for i had witnessed
God's blessing on a relationship, how He had fought for them,
protected them (yes from me, although i doubt i am a threat!), and
that His plan was certainly amazing! and that by following His
instructions, i have saved myself alot of trouble and being a
witness of His goodness!

right now, i'm just wondering what have He done without me knowing...
was that a statement of self-pity? NO! it is one of excitement, like
how you feel when you were a kid, and you're just staring at the
presents on christmas eve, and that the time was like 11.50pm!!!
u just cant wait but u have to...

right now, i'm just wow-ed!

A whole new world...

2008-12-23T03:05:00.002+08:00

Unlike the bright and wonderful world as
portrayed in Disney's Aladdin theme song,
the one I am going thru somehow misses that
by a complete mile...

Looking back unto the past year has certainly
drawn a few memorable recollections here and
there, one of which was the entry I made earlier
this year in Feb... its not too hard to do
considering that this site gets the owner's
attention once in a blue moon...

in Feb there were 3 things i remember yearning for...
shoes, cash and partner... and this is the beautiful
part... providence...

i've finally had suffice spare cash to get myself a nice
pair of Addidas sneakers, not too pricey considering i
was wrecking my head contemplating which of the shoes in
my affordability range could i get and still get the most
out it by making sure it looks good with my berms and my
jeans... so that little brown pair happens to fit the role
quite aptly (all pun intended)... Praise God...

i've realised that i've never quite used to saying the
phrase "Praise God" as much as i do now (still not very
much btw), but i suppose the habits of Joseph is certainly
rubbing off on me... so who says cell groups are not
beneficial?

and then comes the wait...

cash...
6 mths into unemployment...
countless resumes and a couple of potential interviews,
and here i am... buoying from one game to another...
living on sustenance thanks to tuition and Dad...
i dunno... have i honestly not tried hard enuff? how
do u measure these things? does sending out 20 resumes
and flooding the agents mailboxes actually count as trying
hard or just plain silly? so far the source of all my income
has been by the grace of God... when Nicole's tuition ended,
i was able to hop on the Zenitant bandwagon and earn some cash
which paid for the shoes, and then Sharoniel somehow, somewhere
had a client who needed tuition for her son, Wui Chin... and
the best part was that i was able to start early enuff so that
i could get paid before Christmas and that i didn't need to ask
from my Dad this festive season... nonetheless, i've just started
using the Excel software to track my expenses for the measly $300
for the various dinners and gifts... hope this habit (if it becomes
one) won't turn me into some scrooge the pinches on every penny and
dime....
this status of unemployment has also drove me to really consider
setting up a company in the business of selling t-shirts online,
still not sure if that is what God wants me to go... all the
indications points everywhere... teaching seems to be in the books
as well... but i'm not sure... however as of now, there is one
thing i am certain, i need a closer walk with Him... sounds off
tangent i know, but it makes perfect sense... here am i trying to
figure out what God wants me to go, but i am not close enough to
discern His directions... i found this out when one day while
dinning out with Dad, i realised that my closeness with him led me
to buy the drink he actually wanted (some china apple drink), when
he asked for 100 plus... and when i got him the drink he was surprised
as i was as well when he related his side of the story to me...
so yeah, i figured unless i get a little closer, i would forever be
hard of hearing or more accurately trying blindly to find out the things
He wants me to do....

partner...
still single... but now with a resolve...
i had worked out a plan with God to find that elusive someone
(this concept actually mirrors the story of Rebekah and Isaac),
its more like a guideline to ascertain the person God had planned
for me... and this takes shape in 3 rules:

Rule #1 - God's timing
Career before marriage... No work no date...
How can i be considered a responsible adult when i think of
my own happiness and not that of the person i love? surely i must be
able to provide some form of spiritual leadership, emotional & physical
strength and and financial stability especially in this time of crisis...

Rule #2 - God's selection
That she be serving (just as Rebekah did) in the house of the Lord, and
at place where i worship, be it Emmanual AG or who knows another church
elsewhere... the key is that i must be there 1st before i meet her...
for that way i can know my motive is clear, God before babe...
after speaking to Carrie a while back, i've learnt that there is no
"the one", there is more likely "the group"... at the end of the day
i believe God still wants us to make our choice, our free willed choice...

Rule #3 - My fancy...
i suppose this reflects what was mentioned earlier... that she should
be someone i fancy/like/attracted to/gets-my-heart-pounding/etc...

its strange when you're always so caught up on this issue and God
suddenly turns and say, "Dun worry Justin, I have prepared someone
for you... In the meantime, how are you going to spend the time freed
from this worrying?"
in that moment, instantly you feel like its impossible to be concerned
with this partner issue you did before... to be honest, i was surprised,
but more concerned with the 2nd part of that message...
i doubt i'm proud of the way i've spend my time so far, but still...
oh well...

blessings 6mths on....

can you believe it? we have a family car now.... and strangely,
i've realised i'm a very different driver compared to the me i was
at 22... i hate going above 90km/h now, cause its just now fuel
efficient, and i'm actually kinda protective of the new vehicle...

anyway, now that i've gotten my shoe, time to change to 3 things:

1) A closer walk with Him / Direction in life
2) Cash / Job
3) Partner / Wife

Cheerios my future self....
Hope to hear some good news!!! And remember:

God is good all the time, and He will never shortchange us!!!

Thank Kewsssss....

2008-06-02T17:05:00.005+08:00

Loved the black/silver pen babes!!!
Its perfect!!!

Now I've another item to add to my
black/silver collection! Woohoo!

1) Pen (Buddies!!!)
2) Cologne
3) Handphone
4) Mouse
5) Thumbdrive
6) MP3 Player (Courtesy of HP)
7) Tie
8) Cufflinks (Courtesy of Dajie)
9) War Machine Toy

Thank yous!!!!!

vulnerability...

2008-02-24T04:45:00.002+08:00

its been a long long road to where i am now...
its almost surreal to look at life retrospectively
and to wonder where have i gone wrong?
or what could i have done differently to prevent the misery?
or what could i have changed to steer myself
off this beaten path?

though i have been blessed with many things lately,
but 3 things still pretty much elude me...

shoes...
i need a new pair of shoes cause i have no idea
how long more my current pair will hold out...
the rear of both sides have a mouth,
and they are making conversation with every step i take...

cash...
i am not a dud that sits and wish tons of money just
fall out of the sky, been applying for certain teaching
positions but none of them seems to be responding at all...
how i wish i could return to the times when i had more than
10 bucks in my wallet at anytime... and spending on the whim
was a possiblity...

last and most endearing of all...

partner...
she sure is elusive...
or perhaps i have utterly high standards...
then again i think not... i dun really have much of a
criteria list like some people... so i guess its just me
and my principle of not dating when i'm so bloody broke...
which sounds super contradicting...
i long to meet someone, but i have yet seen anyone that
really set my heart ablaze... and also i'm too broke to date...
so tat seems like a ideal place to be since meeting someone now
would not change the situation...
man it sucks... poverty...

i mean i'm grateful to God for all the gifts that have been
heading my way despite my nonsense...
i love the new mp3 player He has blessed me with,
but with no one to share it with,
both the news and the device, its still feels
its not all that right...
like something is missing and that i am missing out
on the best years of my life...
being alone and single...
at 26 and having your heart shattered my someone years ago,
being stuck in a moment and being fearful of relationships while
yearning for one... is pretty messy the feelings stirring within me...
no one knows...
this is a non-publicised site and my solace where i can
write incoherently and i dun really care...
to reveal the pain and tears i have to hide behind a
mask of certainty and jovialness daily...

what is the point of having a heart longing to love,
when i dun have anyone to love or the damn guts to do so
should i find that person?

things are said to be getting better,
then how is it i feel this way?

i dun want to meet her in my current state,
so i wish to be wealthier... not by much...
just enough to "qualify" to date tat's all...
was crazy to work FT and study FT last semester
just to "qualify"... alot of good it did...
burnt myself out, plunging grades and still i haven't
found her...

if only tomorrow,
i can be richer and meet her...
it would be perfect...
if...
a hypothetical situation...
hope...
postulations...
if...
if only...

a long road...

2007-10-03T04:28:00.000+08:00

how long more?
how much farther?
this lonesome journey is taking too long...

i used to think its easy to find someone...
now i'm beginning to doubt that...
nowadays i find it utterly impossible to find someone...
i mean its easy to meet someone u like...
but to meet someone you really want to get involved with
takes a little more searching...
as if that is not hard enough...
that person that you may have found has got to reciprocate your
feelings, otherwise its still a no-go...
then comes the circumstances....
can you accept her past?
can she accept my past?
can both of us accept each other's current predicament?
if it was a mathematical calculation...
if for each part there is a quarter of a chance (and this is optimistic)...
the proability of you finding a mate is...
*drum rolls*

0.00006% chance of finding someone...

in a practical sense that's like 1 in 16,384...

no wonder ppl need speed-dating...
just to get you past the numbers...

where are you?

this story of my life...

2007-08-11T03:05:00.000+08:00

almost 4 years ago i met the most wonderful person
we (in my opinion) had the bestest times...
from spending our valentines' day at the beach
with nothing but a bag of chips, 2 cups noodles,
2 thermoflasks and a bunch of mosquitoes for company;
to the Euro Cup 2004 where she helped me won my xbox...
from strolls by the beach to cheap dinners at BK...
i loved her...

unfortunately, one year later we broke up...

we planned on entering uni together,
but i couldn't even make it into smu,
where we were supposed to wind up...

she went to nus and me to sim...

couple of months later she met her then beau...
(now the ex i heard)

and it has been 2 years since...

god knows how many bfs have passed since then...

why am i writing this here & now?
well, as for as friends are concerned,
this blog doesn't exist, as for the second qns
i am not entirely sure...
but i think i am still holding out for her...
rationally, i know that the person i once knew,
no longer exists...
i guess the clip below pretty much
sums up what i am hoping for...

this is the show that got me thinking about relationships
back in my younger days...

the hope of finding someone,
and to grow up and grow old together with her...
someone that you cared so deeply for that nothing
can ever change that...
and having that person feel the same way...
i've always longed for that...
and for the longest time i had hoped that,
one day she would come to me and speak the words
topanga said to cory..."that i understand now..."
i'm not perfect, i just am passionate for her and
cared for her more than anything else...

but look at me now...

i'm a quarter-ian with a unrequited love...
(if that is the right word)

"they live their lives and come
out of their little houses,
and they see the sky,
and they know God's protection and love...
that everything will be alright..."

and Cory's gem-like response that resounds my own,
just that he managed to put into words...

"how do you expect me to see good in anything
when i feel so bad in here?"

what can i say?

frankly i don't even remember how i came about this
series on youtube... much less this episode...
when i was younger,
i used to think that i've fallen for a on-screen actress...
but now as i look back,
i realised it was the character that i fell for,
and that i hoped to find myself one day in the
shoes of Cory...
for the brief-est of moments i did
when i was with charlotte...

and no girl since, had i felt that way for...

God's protection and love huh?
i have no idea how that works...

3 years since we split,
and i still miss her...

time did its best numbing the emotions,
but once in a while they still come back....
usually during the nights with the stars out to play,
and that's when you realised how lonely you feel despite
the people that are around you....

will i ever find someone again?
will i love her as much as i know i could?
will she loved me as much that she considers herself "taken"?
questions that i do not have the answer to...

ironies...

2007-05-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

should i change the title?
in time i suppose...
kinda weird having since i'm no longer
a Christian anymore...
i believe in God... just maybe not
the promises anymore...
so much unanswered requests/prayers gone by
over the years...
well done...
everytime when i try to get closer...
i sensed that i being pushed away...
while he heaps curses one upon another on me
and my family...
Jer 29:11... so much for plans huh...
well enough is enough...
i couldn't care less anymore...

things haven't been exactly rosy...
and i'm tired of things the way they are...
change...
so easy to say,
so hard to do....
wished i could really work now...
by gotta study first...
man, how i wished things were better...
not the subsistence life that we are going thru now...
fuck,
everyday is a challenge to see how to survive...
i need a job...
but who would be willing to hire a staff that has to
go for classes during working hours???

2 years...
it been more than 2 years
and i still have trouble forgetting my ex....
this is so screwed up...
why can't i just get over it and move along???
this is really pissing me off....
this moments of "reminisce" happens
primarily during the exam period when i am
already stressed out....
wish someone could stick something into my head
and withdraw that memory out!
it was pleasant...
so pleasant that its painful now that its gone...

i hate this station of my life...
someone pass me the universal remote,
so i can "Click" pass this miserable period....
sheesh...

too little, too late

2007-02-15T06:18:00.000+08:00

this pretty much tells my story...
not the video, but rather the song itself...
i liked someone, but didn't tell her...
why?
not because i was fearful of a rejection,
but rather i was afraid i could not give her
the least of the things a girlfriend could ask for..
a date... a movie... a trip overseas...
i held back...
tried desperately looking a job so maybe,
just maybe i could give her a lil' something...
but now its all too late...

someone came along the way...
charmed his way into her heart...
in alot of ways i suppose he is in a better position
to provide for her better than myself...
even though his character is questionable...
when i was contemplating about getting
her a perfume she wanted for V day,
not because i was shy,
but rather i didn't know how to get the funding;
he bought her the new motorola Razo(RED)phone...
booked her for dinner at some fancy restaurant
where you have a "Smart-Casual" dress code...

so what do i do?
notwithstanding the stiff competition,
she tells me,
"No I never liked you,
because you're so nice,
I felt obliged to like you..." (so what does that mean?)
she tells me she's smitten by him...
she tells me that she too comfortable with me,
she didn't feel the vibes...

it true...
cause i never did sent them,
cause i could not have been able to back my intents up...
cause all i had to offer was my heart and sinceriy...

guess now...
i'll just have to walk away...
once again...

what hurts the most is
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
even in my non-action, i was trying to be a
responsible person wanting to prepare
myself in various aspects to be the
best person standing next to you,
holding your hand...

too little... too late...

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most Lyrics

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m
alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my
heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

How is God working in this?

2006-11-01T02:04:00.000+08:00

- deleted post -

wat's the point????

Whatever Happened To...

2006-04-29T00:56:00.000+08:00

Whatever Happened To Old-Fashion Romance and Relationships?

Wanted to make this entry on my main blog,
But thought otherwise...

This is another one of my blabberings...

In view of recent developments,
I am forced to ask once again the question
That I do not have the answer to...

Why do people break up so easily these days?
Over the loss of feeling?
Over familiarity?
Over a quarrel?
Over family oppositions?
Over 3rd parties?

Apparently, all the above...
Its unfortunate isn't it?
And pretty much disheartening if I may add...
Call me nostalgic. reminiscal or even a idealistic fool,
But old-fashioned romance did exist at one period...
When parental dissent acknowledged but respectfully disobeyed,
When quarrels were there and so were the reconciliations,
When being next to each other is still not close enough,
When too much is still not enough,
(okay, there's a limit here... btw needed and clingy)
When 3rd parties weren't part of the equation,
When even the feeling fades,
People still stay together because they didn't
Build the relatonship on just feelings...
When the person wasn't concerned with the thrill,
Or excitement or interest the other person could provide,
But rather the thrill/interest/excitement the one could
BRING INTO the relationship,
When the relationship did not bordered on selfishness,
But instead how much one could give
Without expecting anything in return....
And trusting the other person is doing the same,
Or to his/her best ability...
And being grateful for that...
Love is not all about thrill & experiencing new things,
But instead appreciating the here & now...
Cherishing what lies before you and be reminded of
Why you got together in the first place?
Instead of asking how do I tell him/her nicely?
Where's the passion that fueled the relationship?
Where's the drive to work things out?
Where's the perseverence of the relationship?
Where's the DEVOTION?

Has a relatonship been watered down from a
Wonderful miracle to a fragile whim?

Or is it that I am truly old-fashioned romantic and trapped
In a this "glorious" future?

Still there are love songs airing,
But what happened to model examples?
Are they gone?

Thankfully not...

When you see 2 age old couple walk down the beach,
Or when they kiss each other in the middle of Esplanade,
Just so that some kids could complete their task...
There is hope yet..

When you enter the hospital ward,
To find a husband telling his wife
How beautifully she is,
Despite being bedridden and sick...
There is hope yet...

Just that unfortunately,
We failed to see that...
When others are hoping to spend one more day,
Just one more day with their partners,
Here we are,
Throwing it all away...

Just another bad day...

Memories...

All F***ed Up...

2006-03-28T02:19:00.000+08:00

The academic year's closing and
I doubt I've anything much to show for it...
School's been a great source of relevation for me...
Into the mind Mr J.Yeo, and his past...
Learnt alot about this silly thing called "Love"...

Met a few interesting "counterparts" this semester,
Entered into some flings unknowingly...
How den you ask is that possible?
The answer is rather simple:
By not looking at things from the right perspective
And rushing headlong into things that you
Would not normally had...

I'm not in any way implying that they are
A nuisance or anything bad,
But rather the realisation that I was actually searching
For someone who possessed a totally different set of
Traits and qualities...

So far I've only met people like that once,
Still trying to figure out the current interest...
But not hoping too much...
Been a disappointing chase so far...

Anyway heard a song on the radio
That shouts out exactly the thing
I would like to be able to do...
So here goes,

Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you, yes I do

And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out
There's something about you, baby
I don't know

Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
If it grows stronger every day
Oh, how much longer

Thought I was in love a couple of times before
With the girl next door
But that was long before I met you
Now I'm sure that I won't forget you

And I thank my lucky stars
That you are who you are
And not just another lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart

Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
If it grows stronger every day, yeah

No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see you smile at me
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see your smiling face my way
(repeat to end)

That was by courtesy the
One and only James Taylor...

Yup,
That's the day I long to come...
That the person isn't just some lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart... =)

As for now,
After realising so much about my desires
Wants & needs...
I wonder how the person is going to be like?
And I doubt I'll meet her in school...
Just a hunch...
But its sad yea?
Uni being the most exciting period time of your life,
Not to mention the free-est and the most fun part,
But there isn't anyone special to share it with...
Bummer...

Really wish the Big Guy upstairs could expediate things,
Or at the very least take these yearnings away from me!
Its such an onerous issue,
That weighs down my life so much...
TMD!
(Hmm... Think I'll print a T-Shirt that says that!)

Anyway,
I've got class tomorrow... Think I'd better go now...

The Story Ends...

2005-07-09T10:19:00.000+08:00

Well,
No more wondering what this whole Char saga will unfold,
Was hoping it'll end with some miracle,
Or even a dash of Hollywood's theatrical antics.
Unfortunately, nothing of that sort.
It shall end the way it normally does.

Heard that she's interested in someone,
But not interested in getting together... At least not yet...

But really, it doesn't make much of a difference does it?
Because the crux of the whole matter lies in
The fact that she is interested in someone else... =)

However, though depressing this fairytale may end,
Hope floats as long as there is God.
As this part of the book is concluded,
The good news perhaps is the fact that
Its the new opening of a new chapter...

God Bless...

Jenna Lim...

2005-07-04T00:01:00.000+08:00

Recently,
Our household has had a lil' new addition...
No... Its no shotgun... No... My parents didn't have another baby...
Den again they kinda did....
To kill the confusion,
My mom took up a babysitting assignment...
And the tiny one's name is - Jenna Lim.
She's one feisty lil' thing!
She can be smiling one sec, and crying the next...
Ahhh... But she looks so cute when she smiles!
She has this really neat dimple on her right cheek,
And somehow when she smiles,
Her lips will only curve up on the right side,
Revealing her lil' dimpy!
The lil' one really brought some kind of vibe into this family,
All of the sudden,
Everyone's somehow occupied with the baby in some ways or another.
Though she only sleeps and eats/drinks now,
Moments where I see my parents with her,
Kinda brings me back in time...
Its like seeing my parents when they were younger,
Less troubled, and all it takes to bring a smile to their face,
Is a chuckle or two from their baby... Me, my brother or sister...
Doesn't matter...
Its so surreal....
Nonetheless,
This lil' addition certainly brought a heck lot of memories for my folks,
Now, my mom compares us and lil' Jenna on a daily basis...
And sometimes just watching her sleep so soundly,
Kinda just brings about a sense of serenity around you that you
Can't seem to explain why...

Babies... Sheesh...

Good News... Bad News...

2005-06-30T10:57:00.000+08:00

Good News...

Few months ago:
1) I couldn't get a confirmation which school I'd be going into.
2) I did not have a concrete plan of action what to do. (School & Char)
3) Stuck in depression.
4) Parents could not get along with each other.
5) Quarrel almost every night.
6) Broke.
7) Jobless.
8) Trying to figure what is God doing.

Now:
1) Will be starting school at SIM next Monday.

2) Know what the course of action is... Kinda...
School - Study in SIM, work my butt off and try for a transfer into SMU.
Char - There's nothing I can do, but trust God.

3) Things are beginning to look up.

4) Parents are now working together. All because of a new baby in the house!!!
Jenna Lim - The name of the lil' cutie, 'cause of her my folks are reliving their past...

5) That is practically non-existent! Geez... What a wonder a lil' baby can do to people!

6) Ain't rich, but suffice to buy me some new clothes, mp3 player and fund my lessons!

7) Found a 2 week job that paid like $1400, but had to work like mad...

8) Realize that He lets you know... No need to figure things out like that.
Chances are His plans are way too complicated to comprehend.

Bad News...

1) Char and myself aren't really talking. Things just went downhill somehow...
2) Funds running low again 'cause of my lessons...
3) In desperate need of another form of transportation!!! Sengkang to Clementi!!!
4) Fund-raising in church is really tough... So many channels to go thru....
5) In need of a tuition job... Hint hint... Maths and English only...
6) Public transport fees just went up AGAIN!!!
7) There's nothing I can do, but trust God.
I think that's like the toughest lesson for me...
He's like saying,"Just Trust ME!"
And I go,"Ok, tapi tapi tapi*..........."

*"Tapi" is Malay for "But"

2005-06-27T00:15:00.000+08:00

This morning I said a lil' prayer to God,
Nothing spectacular,
Just to help me get through
Each time I felt helpless and hopeless.
This morning I thought of her again,
And I asked God His grace.
I asked,
"Lord, if you have prepared someone else,
Then help me see Char
Like the way I see those whom I used to have feelings for,
Where the feelings have died.
But Lord, should you have plans otherwise,
Then preserve in me,
A portion of the passion that I have for her,
But only suffice enough to flame once more when the time is right. Amen"

Then I went to church.

This is when the unusual thing happened.
As I was preparing breakfast,
Her mom came to me,
And told me how difficult it is to wake her up
On Sunday mornings to go to church.
I went,"Oh... er yah... "
Next, her mom told me to call her and wake her up...
Bewildered, I said,"Huh? Oh... Okay..."

You see,
Her mom didn't approve of us when we were together,
Nor did she talk to me much.
So this encounter was really unexpected...

I called,
But she didn't pick up.
Didn't think she would even she was awake...
Things between us has gotten really... er...
Silent...

Anyway,
Right now, God kinda piqued my interest,
And now I'm just curious how God is going to unravel this mess,
How this story is going to end...

Those reading this boring blog,
I invite you to see how this all ends.
Hopefully, you can discover God,
As I discover how He is working in my situation...

May God bless your road too...

Past weeks

2005-06-21T09:16:00.000+08:00

Now is about 9am in the morning,
Gotta go for my lessons at 12 later...
Think I can slack till about 11 since I'm at Glenn's place (again!)
Can't seem to fall back to sleep,
Too many wandering thoughts lingering around
The big dense thing on me shoulders,
Call my head...
Been back for a week from Indon...
Apparently,
Many things seem to have happened since then...
Changes that seem to make no sense but to me only...
My mom flipped completely
When she found out what I was up to these days...
I kinda "discussed" it with my Dad before I made the choice,
So he's kinda cool about it...
Den again, he's always been the understanding one in the family...
Going to start school finally in July (I think!),
Can't wait!!!
Glad to know that there'll be least one familiar face...
Den again,
We've only met once...
Hopefully, the cohort will not so big...
Less competition...
Den I can at least be in the 2nd upper... haha...
Ok...
So much for now...

8 Hours of...

2005-05-27T00:52:00.000+08:00

Sleep....
Yes!
That's the amt of sleep I've had in the last 72 hrs...
Where have I been in the past 64 hrs?
WORKING!!!!!
I stay in the office till 3am once to complete some bloody paperwork!!!
Today is the earliest day I've gotten home,
That explains why I've finally got the time to write this,
And also I dun have to wake up so early... maybe 6.30am tomolo...
Been waking up at 6am just to rush to schools...
Damn shack man...
Aniwae...
These 2 weeks really lead me to see how crappy the place is,
I think I'll be quitting the co-ordinating shit,
And go back to the facilitating part...

Anyway, gotta rush to MGS tomolo...
Ciao.

My New Job....

2005-05-18T23:30:00.000+08:00

This is a really really really tiring job!!!
The hours are crazy loh... can u imagine it I work at least 12 hrs everyday...
Lemme elaborate...
Monday:
Woke up at 6.30am to be in school as a facilitator in Hougang Sec @ 7.15am, den went back to office at abt 12pm to begin my admin work... Stayed there till 1030pm... Got home abt 1130... Bathe, wash etc... slept at 1am...
Tuesday:
Rushed to St. Hilda's Pri at 10, to collect payment from the kids for their trails, and stayed there till 4pm... Did tonnes of paperwork while waiting for the kids... But I tell you, the P2s, are damn cute lah... remember one boy, came up to me and said, "Cher, my I forgot to bring my form, how?" So I said, "Nevermind, submit it to your teacher tomorrow... So u left it at home?"
Den he said... "Cher, I actually left it in class..." Wah biang!!!!
Really, you dunno to cry or to laugh!!!!!
Anyway, went back to office @ 5pm, and stayed till 1030 again...
Slept at 1am...
Wednesday"
Woke up at 5am! Rushed office (Thanks to daddy...) grabbed the booklets and stuff, and then rushed to Yew Tee Mrt in a cab to pick up 2 girls (Of which one was a bitch! But she managed to work so not so bad...) THEN rush again to KRANJI SEC SCH!!!!! I was the coordinator for this trail... So had to liase with the school and bring the kiddos to Esplanade... den had to organize the facilitators after the trail was over... it was abt 12pm den... After that go back to office... Worked there till 930... left early today, cause I was too tired and I had a bad headache brewing... Tomorrow gotta rush down to compassvale pri (heng, not so far!) to do collection again...

Yups, that's abt it!
Shack out man, but I guess it does the job...
Keeps me frm thinking of things I shouldn't be thinking, and getting paid for...
Gotta ask Esther (aka Boss)abt my pay... wonder how much is OT...

Okay gotta go now... my dinner is still waiting for me....

God is there...

2005-05-08T03:33:00.000+08:00

When dreams fades...
God is there...

When hopes are dashed...
God is there...

When everything grinds to a halt...
God is there...

When nothing in life seems worthwhile...
God is there...

When all you believed dissolves before you...
God is there...

When you trudge until you can't take another step...
God is there...

When all that you've created and worked for comes to naught...
God is there...

When you try and try, and nothing seem to work...
God is there...

When life throws a spanner into the works...
God is there...

When you get disillusioned by people...
God is there...

When nothing seems ok...
God is there...

When you fall...
God is there...

When I write this,
God is here...

-End-

In God, hope lives when it should've died...
True? False?
True...

God is the same then,
God is the same now...
In Him miracles happen... In His way of course...

When you read this,
God is there...

P.S.
There is a hidden messsage the way
This poem was structured...
See if u guys can figure it out....

Tired...

2005-05-08T03:15:00.000+08:00

Feels like a 50yr old....
Trying o reach that side of heaven...
And every glance it seems to
Be getting further and further away...
Oh well...
How many times must I hit a wall,
Before I find an open door?

See A Need, Fill A Need...

2005-05-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

"See A Need, Fill A Need!" - From the motion-animation ROBOTS.

Anyways,
Had a rather eventfil dae todae...
Met up with 3 clowns todae...
Namely,
Pingu, Veggie, Beans....
Stubble was mine for obvious reasons!!!
Anyway, the 4 of us met up to
Discuss abt a clubbing project in June,
Not bad for a first meeting,
Set targets and drew up a sketch of the event....
Keywords:
Free flow... Beach...
So there you go,
A little teaser for those wondering what it is...
A little imagination and maybe you'll get it!!!

After that,
Went to watch "The Interpreter" wif a fren,
It was a really nice show,
Politics and all...
But for $9.50...
Its F**K**G steep lah!!!!
Both of us decided to buy dvds or vcds next time,
And head on down to each others' place to watch...
Piracy rocks!!!

Y'know...
A little conspiracy theory:
I have a feeling that the big boys in the cinema scene
Are actually the main syndicates that run the
Piracy business in Asia...
Think about it,
Tons of money to make for a fraction of the cost,
And the customers get really good quality vids...
Everyone's happy but Hollywood... Party-poopers...
Not to mention the recent rise in tickets prices,
Would probably boost sales in pirated dvds in Malaysia...
The big boys probably run the show there too!!!
Make Singapore look good,
But J.T.B for Malaysia.... *winks*
Anyhow, I dun really care as long as I can have nice cheap vids...
That is, if my dad actually allows me to drive to Malaya....

After the show,
Had a nice long chat wif my fren,
She has a been a terrific fren,
And she does makes a wicked mudpie!!!
Mainly talked about our lovelife and
Wondering what God has in store for the future...
And encouraging each other to
Pick ourselves up and move on...
Think it was a really nice session tonight...

Finally,
Something to add from yest's sermon...

"The sun which keeps the planets in orbit,
As if it has nothing else better to do,
Looks after the nourishment and growth
Of the flowers and plants around us..." - Galileo

If the sun could do that,
Let alone the Creator who loves us...

Another Day...

2005-04-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

today almost became one of those days
luckily i was able to catch a fren for lunch today
spent like 5 hours talking about stuff from
work to school to relationships
our thoughts seem to be rather similiar
perhaps its coz we're probably going thru the same shit
anyway
its almost may
and i can't wait for june to come
so i can get my arse to indonesia
right now
planning for some fund raising thingy
short on time, short on money, short on manpower
so let's see how God's gonnaa make this work
should be interesting to see what miracles can happen
in this short span of 5 weeks
5 weeks to prep for it
and only 4 weeks to actually promote it
impossble?
we'll see
i'm actually curious how it'll all materialise
especiallly when i'm in charge
sometimes i think i'm a jinx to any operations
probably to myself and me family too
oh well
like they say
only time will tell...

...

2005-04-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

.:||"Standing At The Edge Of The Earth", Blessid Union of Souls||:.

I knew that this moment would come in time
That I'd have to let go and watch you fly
I know you're coming back so why am I dying inside
Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye
So I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that someday you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping for someday
Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say
I don't want to let you leave this way
I want you to know that I stand right by your side
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
And I know this may be
The very last time that we see each other cry
But whatever happens know that I'll....
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping that one day you'll come back again
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth hoping that someday
You'll come back to me
I'll be praying for whatever it's worth
Believing that one day you'll come back to me
I'll be standing at the edge of the earth
Hoping for someday
Waiting for someday Believing in someday
Praying for someday, I'll be....
Longing for someday Clinging to someday
Cherishing someday, I'll be....
Thinking of someday Dreaming of someday
Wishing for someday, I'll be....
Living for someday Counting on someday
Knowing that one day....
I will see you

______________________________

Time to go....

Old Songs...

2005-04-21T00:42:00.000+08:00

.:||Now on "In This Life", Colin Raye||:.

Found me old stash of songs
That I downloaded before I had to reformat my com 2 years ago...
Found many thoughtful tunes like the one above...

Guess some things in life pops up
Just when you least expected,
And makes everything better...
So happy now!!! Gee... I didn't know I had so many songs...
Yup, those were the days I had cable!!!
MTV in 10mins & songs in 2....

Nothing much to add now...

Burnt Burnt Burnt!!!!

2005-04-18T01:49:00.000+08:00

.:Croaking to "You Raised Me Up", Josh Groban:.

Horror of horrors!!!
Almost didn't manage to watch the Finals today...
Apparently my fren's fren
(The one who supplied the free tickets, to whom I'm eternally grateful!)
She kinda made a mistake....
'Cause the tickets were meant only for one session only,
Meaning to say we were only allowed to watch either
Saturday's games or Sunday's Finals...
So we were like stuck out there for a while
Before the nice ladies at the reception counter
Gave us the free tickets anyway...
God's grace lah I say!!!
So in the end,
1 guy and 4 belles managed to sneak into the stadium and watch the action!!!
So Canuf, no worries yeah? *grins*

Anyway, the 5 of us were like baking in the freaking sun...
Yours sincerely was the worse hit,
'Cause the ladies were smart to use the umbrellas to create a temporary shade,
And I was left to cook!!!
Ok, so did the poor sisters...
Now I know how it feels being cooked by cannibals....
But the games were fantastic!!!
Cept' the ones Singapore played...
They were a torture to watch...
Too many butterfingers and solo artists
Trying to right the wrong themselves...
They dun get it that its a team effort!!!

All Blacks totalled the Beefeaters to clinch the coveted titled Cup,
While Australia lost the game to Samoa and also the Competition's Bowl
France thrashed Canada*Sigh* to claim the Shield
And Taiwan beat China to keep the Plate...
Sounds like some cutlery collection race eh???
What's next? Fork and Spoons????
Or maybe teapots??

Actually IMO, I think the whole event's like some
Zouk out party event!!!
It was like "Mambo Afternoon" out there this afternoon!
All the retro songs and all... Damn cool!!! *Lol*

Btw Glenn,
Before I forget, the song that we were looking is called,
"The Blowers' Daughter", Damien Rice.

Well, so happy now!!!!
Just found a kaki to join me at Sentosa... hahaha....
Too bad only one....
Not enough to even form a team...

Ahhhh....
Just applied my sis' "Oil of Olay",
[Everyone shout "Ole!"]
Lame I know....
Damn soothing now...
Gonna die peeling myself over the next few days I tell you!

Okay...
Now officially starting on the recruitment and fund-raising for the
Habitat for Humanity project...
Anyone got any extra cash to spare?
Donate leh....
The team is going up on
June 5th and coming back on June 12th...
The place we're going to is called
"Yobdjarkata"... Good luck pronouncing it...

Yawns... Good nite ppl...
And myself in the future!!!

Standard Chartered Rugby Sevens...

2005-04-17T00:55:00.000+08:00

Today I spent like 3 hours in the sun,
The following 1 hour in the rain,
But we had like 10 hours of rugby games today...
Kinda burnt now... Sorta... Just red...
Need a suntan lotion tomorrow...
Especially if its gonna be like today...
The All Blacks were fantastic today...
52-00 vs. Chinese Taipei...
68-00 vs. Singapore...
34-14 vs. Australia...
They totally outplayed Australia man...
But the South Africans did major butt-whoopping today...
77-00 vs. Thailand... The current record for this year's series...
Can't wait for tomorrow's FINALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow today got me thinking about going down to Sentosa
For beach volleyball...
Thinking of asking the guys after the exams...
2 weeks... 2 weeks...

If only every weekend could be so fun...

I Can't Get Drunk!!!

2005-04-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

Last night went out wih the guys down to "Blue Cow",
Free flow vodkas and rum...
Dingo, Seow & me practically went down to get wasted,
Unfortunately, after 3 glasses of vodka sprites we were a lil' high,
And all 3 of us got really tired...
I mean really...
Not sure abt the other 2,
But I started yawning along...
If there was a bed,
I swear I'd be on it sleeping...
Apparently, the 3 of us are the type that get sleepy when we get high...
Anyways,
After that stint down at "Blue Cow",
A chartered bus brought us down to Liquid Room...
I think that was a cool idea considering the crowd in the bus
Was certainly in no shape to get there on our own,
Probably got ourselves lost if we did...
Liquid was a lil' disappointing!!!
Its really small, and really crowded...
Can't stop bumping into ppl,
Its like a tin of sardines in there...
But the reserve area is really cool...
Least there was space for ppl to dance...
Overall the event was not bad... Not bad at all...
Anyway, before we left,
One clown said that we had to have a farewell drink,
So ding, kd & me had a half a glass of pure vodka straight up in one go...
The poison took about 15mins to hit us...
When it did, I was really high, and I had a splitting headache...
Couldn't sleep till much later because of the migraine...
However, the good thing about it is I don't wake up with a hangover...

With the bad comes the good...

Ok... Maybe I can get drunk... But I seem to have a bio-alcohol-limiter...
So, it ain't really gonna happen...

Riddles...

2005-04-15T03:12:00.000+08:00

_______________
Its 3am in the morning...
Somehow I talked to her on msn...
She told me not to think about it...
_______________

I am not angry at God.
Its a bittersweet thing.
I know its for the best,
But the pain is simply unbearable.
Could this actually make one a stronger person?
How?
By making his heart as cold ice,
Or his will as strong as steel?
By making him into some emotionless being?

I doubt it...

At the end of the day,
I still find myself missing her sorely.
And everyday a facade is on my face till nightfall,
When I am in my room do I take it off.
At dawn, the process repeats itself...

My dear Lord,
When will the riddles be explained?
When will the questions be answered?
When will the problems be solved?
When will we stop hurting inside?

One day... One fine day...

Bad Day...

2005-04-15T01:30:00.000+08:00

.:"Maybe You'll Be There", Diana Krall:.

"Each time I see a crowd of people
Just like a fool I stop and stare
It's really not the proper thing to do
But maybe you'll be there

I go out walking after midnight
Along the lonely thoroughfare
It's not the time or place
To look for you
But maybe you'll be there..."

Been wondering how things are going to turn out...
At the rate its going, it doesn't feel like there's much hope left...
Pessimistic... I know...
Just can't see no light at the end of the tunnel...
Hitting "Liquid Room" tomorrow,
Hope it'll be fun... Not entirely looking forward to it,
But it beats staying at home...

When will those happy days come again? =(

The Comforter comforteths once again...

2005-04-14T10:37:00.000+08:00

.:||Whats On, "Bless The Broken Road", Rascal Flatts||:.

"Bless The Broken Road"
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

-End-

Such a wonderful song that I can't stop thanking God
For the grace He has given me to chance upon it...
Was listening to some country song on Yahoo!
So when it ended, this song was queued...
Was about to switch to another song
When the title caught my attention...
After listening to the tune, which was really nice,
I uploaded the lyric as well to see what the song was all about...
And voila...

"I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road..."

Yup, that's me for you, matured way too early,
Been travelling on this path for the longest time &
Met people at all the wrong times...

"But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you..."

Still can't really understand how all the dots will be connected,
Nor how it'll lead me to my happiness...

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms..."

Nor do I know whether she's just another northern star
That's pointing me to another (Hope that's not the case!)...
Or perhaps to herself that in time I'll meet again?

"This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you..."

But I'll know only in the end...
That God has blessed the broken road that's
Gonna lead me to whoever she is...

To every broken and distressed soul out there,
May God bless your broken path,
And lead you to loving arms...

Cripes....

2005-04-13T14:56:00.000+08:00

.:||Right now tuning in to "Hanging By The Moment", Lifehouse||:.

It ain't easy...

Well,
Tried calling the Dean,
Apparently he'll not be around for 5 weeks!!!!
So I had to contact the Assoc Dean.
-Prof Annie Koh-
Anyway, she's like so busy,
Having meetings back to back...
The PA advised that I write an email to her,
Something that I'm not really sure what to write.
So I'm going to call her again maybe on Friday...
Let's hope I can get to her.

Anyway,
I damn pissed at my comp...
Bloody hell its so laggy that
As I'm typing these words,
They only appear secs later...
Geez...
I NEED A NEW COM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to My Life....

2005-04-13T03:24:00.000+08:00

.:||Currently on MTV, "Welcome To My Life", Simple Plan||:.

Ah-ha! Finally, a song that describes me!!!
Oh well...

"Life sucks,
But Miracles happen..."

Just gotta find a way to hang on a lil' while longer,
'Cause a miracle might just be round the next bend...

Anyway,
Today damn farnie...
Called me fren to watch a movie.
Apparently, she was quite blur today... I'll elaborate....
Since I was not sure the timing of the show,
So I asked her to see if there was some way
She could find out...
She said,"Okay, I'll check it out when I go down to PS later..."
I said "okay den"...
So my next question was,"Where are you now?"
My fren den said she was having lunch...
That blur girl didn't even answer my question!
So I asked again, "Orh... Er.... So... Where are you?"

She den chirppily answered, "Oh! I'm at Cineleisure..."

It took her 2 secs for her to realise that she was
Eating at a cineplex!!!!

Quite blur that one....

Anyway, we ended up watching some
Women sumo-wrestling show-cum-romantic comedy...
"Romantic comedy of enormous proportions..."
I swear that was what it was written on the poster!!!!
And you know what?
Its NC-16...
Now everyone go "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Geez...
And the husband thought she was some sort of alien
Undergoing transmutation....
Haha.... get this:

1. sexual act
2. climax
3. transmutation....

I'm serious....
That was why the husband thought the wife
Was mutating into a alien.... or maybe an A-lian!!!!!!!!

Damn dumb show...
Its saving grace was the way it was ended... That's it...
So you people decide... "Secret Society"...
Personally, I think its a waste to money... bleah...
Heng-ah... only $6.50....

How Many People It Takes To Kill A Spider...

2005-04-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

.:||Song on repeat : "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)", Jason Mraz||:.

I'm like hooked onto this song!!!
Upbeat tune and I dunno man,
Its just bloody catchy!!!
I just can't stop grooving to the tune...

"I..... I won't worry my life away....."

Something I think I ought to be doing...
"YO J, STOP WORRYING!!!"

Anyway, back to the headlines....
How many you ask?
Let me enlighten you...

3...

yup 3!!!

Method 1:
1 to hold the insecticide to gas the prick.
1 to spot the bugger should it appear.
1 to hold the broom and rolled newpaper in a feeble murder attempt.

Conclusion:
Failed attempt!
The spidey "ham-chi" and hid itself behind a painting.

Method 2:
1 to hold the insecticide to gas the prick.
2 to lift the painting so that Dr. Thrax can toxicate that critter.

Conclusion:
Failed Attempt!
Stupid spidey has toxin suit & is immune to gas!!!

Method 3:
2 to hold painting with 1 holding broom to sweep spidey out.
1 to pour boiling water onto spidey to cook the bugger.

Conclusion:
Failed Attempt!
No hot water.
Too messy... -Glenn that complainer!- *Sigh*

Method 4:
2 to hold painting and give directions.
1 to hold broom to sweep it out and hammer it to smithereens!

Conclusion:
Mission Accomplished!!!!!
Spidey is now officially Splutter!!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... MURDER-DEATH-KILL...

Some other ear-friendly tunes:

"Breathe", Michelle Branch
(Ahhhh... She is so chio!!!!)

"First Day of My Life", Bright Eyes
(Nice tune...)

Days Gone By...

2005-04-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

Today was kinda fun,
Bring the kids from New Town Primary exploring
The pride of our nation, "Changi Airport"...
Too bad the skytrain broke down,
But that meant 2 less stations to do... *Yay*
They're really interesting, and inquisitive too...
Had me a ball of a time teaching them maths...
Wanted to watch "Pacifier",
But my friend was too pooped and had tons of
Studyin to do, so in the end the idea got scrapped...

Well, came home and felt kinda bored
So called a friend of mine who stays in bloody Toh Tuck!!!!
Talk about North meets West...
Anyway, made plans for supper near Beauty World,
But not before running up and down 15 floors of stairs twice...
My workout schedule that is... Bloody tiring!!!!
First 12 floors was a breeze,
But the next couple of flights were pure agony...
Feeling kinda proud that I manage to do that... 30 storeys...
Cool!!!

Alas, think most of my efforts went down the drain after supper...
Had me 1 Cheese & Mushroom Prata + 1 Prata Pisang (Banana),
So much for losing weight!!!!
But was kinda nice catching up with her after a while...
Her boyfriend is really good!!!
Other than being a bf, he's got real talent in drawing!!!
Made a hand drawn calender,
With their shared moments as the backdrop of every page,
Plus a heart hidden in every drawing...
And he couriered it over from States...
Cool huh? Makes us look really bad doesn't it?
Sorry Mouse... Know PJ would probably be bugging you now... =)

Anyway, driving back in the cool night,
Was really a nostalgic experience...
Its been a really long time since I drove long distance,
Especially driving at night...
It was something I really loved back then,
Cruising down the expressway,
With cool breeze in your face,
With no worries or concerns...
Just driving...
Guess now I remember why I loved driving so much...

"Temptation Island"

2005-04-06T03:04:00.000+08:00

Can't sleep after making that last entry...
So ended up watching... Yup... U guessd it...
"Temptation Island"...
I thought its a really dumb idea,
And I wondered who'd in the right mind
Would join that reality show...
Apparently,
Alot of people are fools...
Don't they understand my friend's logic?
"Why trouble Trouble, when Trouble troubles you?"
Geez...
Anyway, its about a grp of couples stranded on different islands
With one another's girlfriends...
Why would anyone want to be in that situation?
You know the weirdest thing about it is the videotape exchange session...
After so much flirting and sexual seduction,
At the end of the day,
Both camps hoped that the other party did not act as they did...
When it came to reveal what happened to other party on the video,
Both guys and girls were apprehensive,
Hoping that their other halfs would have remained faithful...
When they found out otherwise,
Some teared, some tried to control their anger...
But they don't really think about what they've done!
Guess that's human...
Well, at least I saw something nice on TV,
The ad for "Chase" went something like this:

"True love is found
>>When you see her flaws,
>>>Understand her ??? (Can't remember... will edit it some time...)
>>>>Overlook her imperfections,
>>And you still can't live without her..."

Don't watch "Chase",
But the trailer was kinda interesting, so there...

Waiting For A Venus To Fall...

2005-04-06T00:22:00.000+08:00

Was feeling pretty unloved and crummy this morning,
Not to mention my Dad left the house without waking me...
So woke up at about 12pm,
Had me some noodles before I left work at 2.30pm...
Still felt crummy at that time...
Brought along me trusty book,
"Now What?"
A little yellow book that talks about
God's role when things in life doesn't make sense!
Kinda applied to me situation...
Read a lil' bit,
Parts of it hit home,
But still felt lousy and all...
Managed to stuff my thoughts aside long enough to work,
So did some callings and made some enquiries,
And before I know it,
Its 5.30pm...
Went for dinner at Long John's....
That's when I heard the song...
Really loved this song since I was young and well... young...
Dunno leh...
When I heard it this evening really perked me up...
Know the lyrics ain't exactly helpful,
But there's something about this song,
That's though kinda sad, but hopeful,
Perhaps,
Its upbeat tempo combined with its ...
Hmmm... lyrics of hope...
Gave me some er... hope...
Sigh my vocabulary is horrible!!!!
Guess it feels better when you know
You're not the only one feeling so bad...

Boy Meets Girl
Waiting For A Star To Fall
1988
--------------------------------------

I hear your name whispered on the wind
It's a sound that makes me cry
I hear a song blow again and again
Through my mind and I don't know why
I wish I didn't feel so strong about you
Like happiness and love revolve around you

Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
So many people love you baby
That must be what you are

Waiting for a star to fall
And carry your heart into my arms
That's where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah

I've learned to feel what I cannot see
But with you I lose that vision
I don't know how to dream your dream
So I'm all caught up in superstition
I want to reach out and pull you to me
Who says I should let a wild one go free

Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
So many people love you baby
That must be what you are

Waiting for a star to fall
And carry your heart into my arms
That's where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah

Waiting (however long...)
I don't like waiting (I'll wait for you...)
It's so hard waiting (don't be too long...)
Seems like waiting (makes me love you even more...)

Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
So many people love you baby
That must be what you are

Waiting for a star to fall
And carry your heart into my arms
That's where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah

------------------------------------

Waiting for the venus to fall...
Dun really know if its the right thing to do...
But like they say,
You'll never know till you try...

Now,
Me at home watching "Ice Age",
Watching some dumb sloth barraging thru
Some dumb Tae-Kwan-Dodos...
Life so full of uncertainties,
Really yearn for those happier days to pass me by again...
Ah well, all in good time...
In God time...

In God We Trust

2005-04-03T04:31:00.000+08:00

Talking to my friend and my Dad last night, really opened my eyes to see things that I thought I was once knew differently! My friend and I were talking about things we realise that we probably need in our spouses, not just our significant-halfs. Things like level of intimacy, sexual, physical or otherwise, and both of us came to a conclusion that we can never be sure whether or not, the needs that we seek in the other person will be met! And its awfully frightening to wake up one day, and think to yourself that the person next to you, doesn't seem to really compliment you. Even if you try to talk about it, chances are your partner may say one thing now, but when you get married things become different, simply because no one is sure about his/her future!!! So in a situation like this, marriage really takes more than just feelings for each other! Love in the form of feelings just isn't enough.
Your actions, temperaments, behaviors, habits, anger management, tempers, sex drives, level of sexual/physical/emotional/spiritual intimacy, level of commitment, communication skills, energy level, hobbies etc. need to compliment each other, they really need to be in sync... Even if they are not the same, they need to be able to still compliment each other. Take for example a friend of mine and his beloved gf. The guy like any of us men, is a red-blooded carnivore, but his dearly beloved is a herbivore, but they get along so fine that sometimes I can't help but feel envious... What the guy don't eat - mainly greens, the girl munches happily away, and vice-versa. Totally different, but at the same time able to compliment each others' preference in diet...
I guess that's really what courting is all about. Finding someone that you can compliment, and can compliment at the same time.
But, as you can tell by now, its almost bloody impossible to find someone like that! Let me rephrase that: It IS impossible to find someone like that on your own! Think about it, the needs and traits I've mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg, my friends... There are more needs and traits that we desire in the person we would marry eventually to have, which are still hidden, and only until we are married are they revealed!
So how in the world are we to ensure we have a happy and wonderful marriage? When the odds are certainly against us?
That's where my Dad comes in...
Introducing: Daddy's Theory... (I knew that already, but needed him to reinforce my thoughts!)
Anyway,
His answer is ancient but simple, and it still applies today.
It is found on the dollar notes of the United States.

"In God We Trust."

Its as simple as that really.
It sums up all those "que sera sera-s", all those "if its meant to be, it'll be-s", all those "shi ni de, ju shi ni de-s... " And nothing can change that. Fact is that we really are that helpless, when it comes to finding our lifelong partners, because half the time we aren't really sure what we want, nor are we sure what our partners are, and at the end of the day it all boils down to God. Even if we are sure, we cannot be certain that they'll be around tomorrow...
But the good news is, that the fact still stands:
God wants the best for us, and only He knows who is the best for us.
In God I (am still trying) Trust.
Trusting in God is always a journey into depravation, depression and sometimes even death, but at the same time we learn lessons in life that can be taught only by God, and also find the things or people that God knows we would find joy in having.
Its a journey, enjoy the ride...

Sengkang Methodist Church...

2005-03-28T10:45:00.000+08:00

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:3-4

I don't really get the first verse,
But I can definitely vouch for the second!
Yesterday,
I attended Sengkang M.C instead of A.G.P.C,
For a few reasons actually,
Firstly,
I wanted to get away from the usual crowd
And also run away from the memories,
Just for a day I needed reprieve...
[It didn't occur to me it was Easter Sunday, a sign of a New Beginning]
Also, I felt an urging to go to Sengkang M.C,
To find something...
All I knew was I had to do it...
I knew I was to task to announce something in AGPC that day,
But I knew I needed to go to Sengkang M.C instead...
So I did...
When I arrived,
There were baptisms going on, and it reminded me of my own...
I thought that was what I was suppose to find.
Wrong. That was just part of it.
The thing I was suppose to find, was that day's sermon
And a testimony from a lady by the name Siew Kien.
God thru the sermon asked me 3 questions:
1) Why I was created... [To be loved by God]
2) Why I was made... [To love God]
3) What is my purpose... [To worship God, worshipping thru our lives.]

And thru the lady's sharing,
She mentioned her husband,
And what drew her to him...
Man of integrity, man of God, someone who loves God,
Seeking to please God...
Basically everything a Christian brother ought to be,
And everything I was not...

Easter Sunday...
A new chapter?
A new beginning?
Perhaps...

Hope...

2005-03-25T03:23:00.001+08:00

Running...
Everyday, every minute I'm running...
Away from reality, away from pain...
What would I not give for a moment of spring?
A moment of release from my inner distress.
Chaos meets me every morning,
Hope flees at every dawn...
I yearn to rest forever in peace,
But it eludes me,
For the Good Lord dictates that time...
What did bring joy,
Now bring sorrow,
What I knew as spring,
Now I know as winter...
I run everday,
But somehow only to return to square one...
Hope,
A wonderful thing,
Has turned on me,
And now become my greatest enemy,
A struggle for sanity...
I am broken, I am sad.
No words can express my loss, my misery...
I am confused,
I am in dilemma,
What is the TRUTH?!
What should I BELIEVE?!
Whose word is from the Lord?
Do I ignore them because they do not fit my hopes?
Or do I ignore them because I do not believe they're from God?
I cannot even trust my own judgements anymore...
My actions betray my thoughts,
My thoughts betray my heart...
I am tired...
I am weary...
Its 3am in the bloody morning and I am still running...
Why can I not be like her?
Why does my feelings always seem to be in the way?
Why do I even bloody FEEL???
I wish I was numb...
I wish my heart to be hardened...
To be cold like how life has been treating me...
Burdens...
Heap and heap of them...
When will I truly crumble?
I yearn to crumble...
I yearn to break till there is no more...
I yearn for His peace... His solution... His grace...
His balm... His deliverance... His provision... His gift...
His time... His plan to work out... His healing...
Tis' when I am truly broken can then
God begin His work of recovery...
The wounds fester,
The cuts deep...
No ones else can soothe,
But the one who delivered the blade,
And the Master who allowed it to happen.

Praise be to God who sees what I cannot see,
Hear what I cannot hear,
Protect those I love but I cannot defend,
Keep watch over all that I'm concerned for.

Praise be to God for He will deliver me,
Though I know not His ways and method,
But I shall be able to rest perhaps tonight,
That God is taking care of things...

Praise be to God who has taught me much,
And perhaps slowly prepping the one that I may
Spend my lifetime with...
Praise to Him that He is diligent at work despite my
Cries of mercy...
For it breaketh His heart too,
Everytime I tear,
But in His heart He knoweth this is for the better.
Like a parent applying ointment on a child's wound,
Though it aches the mother,
It has to be done.
So that healing can happen,
And a new chapter begins.

Though I've made countless petitions to Him,
Praise be to God who knows when is best,
who is best, how its best, why its best.
I still pray the same prayer every night,
I still hope for the same thing every night,
I know its for the better... No matter the pain...

Lessons from a hopeless angle...

2005-03-25T03:04:00.000+08:00

If some darker lot be good,
Lord, teach us to endure
The sorrow, pain, or solitude
That makes the spirit pure. —Irons

Grrr... Chatboxes.... Cockenaden

2005-03-23T11:31:00.000+08:00

Ok ok ok...
I've finally managed to add the linkies options into my blog...
Now as for those bloody chatboxes,
That's a real pain in the arse!
Been trying to integrate it into my blog
For the past 1/2 hour,
But to nada avail....
Only luck I had was actually
Creating a pop-up version of it...
Cockenaden....

This is me... Complaining...

2005-03-21T01:11:00.000+08:00

" Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time"

This is so bloody frustrating!
This has so far been the crappiest time of my life!
I'd gladly trade it for field camp anyday...
As if losing the love of your life isn't bad enough,
Some nut decided to pass me the wrong colour code for the
Grilles I ordered for me client,
Now I have to fork out $280 to have it resprayed!!!!
What the helll!!!!
And what's more,
My client(Tenant) has a problem with her bath tub,
So I called the agent to settle it,
Cause' it was her responsibility to service her client(Owner),
By looking for a plumber on his behalf,
In the end,
I ended up with that crap!!!!
Come on!!!!
Bring it on... Bring it on!!!!!
What the worse that can happen now????
I mean really...
I wish I could just expire,
And be in heaven right now...
Life is not really good to me right now...
No I'm not suicidal...
Just infuriated....
At the problems that never seem to cease...

Its like a bunch of F***ing Alpha Auroras,
Bombing the balls out of your base,
And there is nothing you can do about...
Absolutely nothing, but to say "We're doomed!!!"

Life's way of saying,
"Nyah nyah nyah, nyah nyah... you cannot stop me!"

AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Cockenaden with a bunch of blistering barnacles sitting on the seashore!
Or
Bleah blah boo bam!!!!!!!!!
*Trying to restrain myself from vulgarities...*

When will I see light from this end of the tunnel?

TRUST....

2005-03-15T02:37:00.000+08:00

Trust:
Something that I solemnly swear by,
For no relationship can possibly hope
To sustain without it...

Apparently, that's what happened to mine.
Somewhere along the way,
I must have misplaced it.
Misplace...
I think that is the appropriate word to use,
I misplaced it somehow,
Left it somewhere out in the cold,
Don't know where...

I had this angel that trusted me so completely,
Yet I've betrayed her by not being able to do the same.
Making ridiculous demands,
Causing stress and grief,
"Why can't he trust me?" she cries...
Deep within the guy,
Pride blinds the truth...
He is insecure,
He needs constant reassurance,
He knows it, but faces it not.
Insecurity causes feeling of uncertainty,
Paranoia surmounts,
Ludicrous thoughts linger.
He feels an illusionary distance,
A distance normally felt in a transitory period,
He is not used to it,
He is restless,
He is frustrated,
He wants to do something to change it.
So he inches closer.
Closer and closer he advances,
She feels his breath,
She hears his heartbeat,
"Too close!" She thinks...
She is suffocating,
So she retreats, backing up...
He sees this retreat,
Thinks he's losing her,
So he goes nearer,
She backs farther,
Soon the vicious cycle begins...
The relationship starts to break down.
And before you know it,
Its gone... Like the distant wind...

There's only one way out,
That the guy backs up.
But that can't happen unless he trusts her.
But what about the girl?
She has to move forward...
How?
Only God can move a heart like that...

Trust God first,
Trust her next...

Well, God-willing....
I only hope that I won't be too late,
[Something I must learn, to trust...]
Hope that she carries the flame for me,
[Something only she can fulfill...]
Hope that no one comes along the way to sweep her off her feet.
[Something only God can control...]

Trust:

To have or place confidence in; depend on.
To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
To believe: I trust what you say.
To place in the care of another; entrust.

Lord, grate me grace suffice....

Marriage...

2005-03-11T02:39:00.000+08:00

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.

But then again, so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention

to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure
of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as
one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which
one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But
the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why
wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

God Help Me... Hope its not too late...

2005-03-10T09:36:00.000+08:00

Had a long talk with a friend of mine,
I think that must have the most fruitful conversation
I've had for a long, long time.
He is someone who is rather perceptive,
And has gone through what I am going through
At this point of time.
Last night,
He taught me many things,
And he did not sided with my ideals,
But rather he told me what I should have done
But did not do.
Basically,
Last night, he made me realise that
All the issues that has happened so far,
Was the result of my own undoings.
I was the cause of the degradation of our relationship,
I had become a totally different person she fell in love with.
Knowing this now,
I know what must be changed,
But the road to recovery is not easy,
Therein lies a colossal obstacle,
That I've never really gotten over.
Also,
Though I'm fired up to change now,
There are 2 other problems now...
1) What happens if the fire in me right blows out?
2) It might be too late. The hurt that I've caused her,
Might be too much for her to bear,
And her heart would probably would have died long ago.

I really do not know the answer to these 2 questions now.
But I do know that if I do not try,
I would lose even more.

His Faithfulness...

2005-03-08T11:05:00.000+08:00

Last night,
I came across something that troubled my spirit,
And I felt a lump in my throat.
It made me feel that
This path that I have chosen seem meaningless,
And question myself over and over again.
One simple word,
A flood of emotions,
But it is the reality of my status now too...
This is reality. Single.
It made me wonder, had she given up?

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
Perplexed, but not in despair"
2 Corinthians 4:8

Waking up with a broken spirit,
I prayed.
Somehow, a glimmer of hope lived.
I prayed a different prayer this morning.
I told God all my concerns,
And I gave them to Him,
For the burden is too heavy for me to shoulder alone.
All my cares and woes,
I told Him, and asked Him to take care of them for me,
For I am helpless to do anything about it.

"Do not be anxious about anything,
But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
Present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6

I did.
And a great deal of heaviness
Seemingly was lifted off me.
Though I still feel the weight,
But now it was easier to bear.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
Who daily bears our burdens. "
Psalm 68:19 (NIV Version)

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits,
Even the God of our salvation"
Psalm 68:19 (King James Version)

Both the versions talk about our burdens
But they point out different perspectives.
And both ring true.
God not only bears our burdens daily,
He blesses us with benefits as well.

Well, I have no news from her or from God,
Its like walking blind backwards for me right now.
But I guess, with God next to me,
I can be assured,
That all things will be good in the end.

Thank you Lord for all the trials,
For I see now that they have brought me
Somewhat closer to your presence.

To my dearest friends...

2005-03-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

Thank you for your support,
And to whoever called P1-B...
Thanks so much for being there when I fell,
For helping me keep myself distracted,
And also to Celine, who made the call...
Really meant alot.

In moments like this,
Little blessings that I've taken for granted
Appeared so powerful.
I really do not know,
I really am afraid of the neg. possibilities
That the future may bring.
But it seems, there is only one way to go,
I will continue to wait for her.
Her word is good enough for me.
Despite the pain and all,
I've believe in the saying,

"Nothing worthwhile, is effortless,
Nothing valuable, is without a price,
Nothing, love will not sacrifice itself for."

I loved her then,
I love her now.
I do not know how God will salvage this,
But I believe in miracles...
I have done all I can,
But only God can move a heart that has gone cold.
Only God can open the door.
I probably seem as if I am trying to convince myself,
And none would be further from the truth.
I am...
I am confused.
I am seeking for answers only He can give.
I am hoping that what she has promised,
She will keep, though she is not obligated to.
I have my path,
I have made my choice,
To trust her even if its hurts.

Thank you my true friends,
Thank you for understanding.
God bless all of you.

God provided...

2005-03-08T01:18:00.000+08:00

Finally,
God gave me hope.
Though it was brief,
Nonetheless it was refreshing.
Though, I still can’t think what has happen
Without breaking down,
At least,
In God I trust…
In God alone can we find our refuge there…

“God Will Make A Way”

God will make a way,
When there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side,
With love and strength for each new day,
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness,
He’ll lead me,
And rivers in he desert will I see.
Heaven and earth will fade,
But His Word will still remain,
He will do something new today.

-End-

I hoped.

God heard...

2005-03-08T01:06:00.000+08:00

So I continued,
Searching for some balm to soothe my heart.
I chanced upon yet another song that struck me.
It provided some glimmer of hope…

“God Answers Prayers”

Have you ever talked to God above,
Telling Him that you need a friend to love.
Pray in Jesus’ Name believing that
God answers prayers.

Have you told Him all your cares and woes,
Every tiny little fear He knows,
You can know that He’ll always hear,
And He’ll answer prayer.

You can whisper in a crowd to Him,
You can cry when you’re alone to Him,
You don’t have to pray out loud to Him,
He knows your thoughts.

On a lofty mountain peak He’s there,
In the meadow by a stream He’s there,
Anywhere on earth you’ll go,
He’s been there from the start.
Find the answers in His word, it’s true,
You’ll be strong because He walks with you.
By His faithfulness He’ll change you too.
God answers prayers.

-End-

I grieved to Him…

God felt.

2005-03-08T01:02:00.000+08:00

Today,
I was in depression.
Today was terrible; no amount of words could describe it.
So, I decided to pick up a songbook,
And one of the song really hit me hard.
Though, I know not how the tune goes,
But there is no doubt that this piece was created in distress.

“Give Them All”

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?
Are you tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life,
And at the feet of Jesus lay them down.

Give them all, give the, all,
Give them all to Jesus,
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, broken toys,
Give them all, give them all,
Give them all to Jesus.
And He will turn your sorrow into joy.

He never said you’ll only see sunshine.
He never said there’ll be no rain,
He only promised us a heart full of singing.
At the very thing that once brought pain…

-End-

I wept.

This Song...

2005-03-07T08:49:00.000+08:00

This is a song I learnt on one of my mission trips up to Myanmar,
It was a song was compelled to sing to a woman,
A woman who was in dire need,
A woman who was in pain,
Though I did not know what exactly happened,
Not could I remember,
The only thing I recalled was that,
I was leading the team for the first time in singspiration,
And I was reminded of the song we were learning then,
As I sang the song,
One of the team members translated for me,
And then she started crying,
And it wasn't before long that the hut of people,
Started to cry too,
It was as if the Holy Spirit came
And helped us understand her grief,
While at the same time giving the woman some form of relief, hope...
From that day onwards,
I never forgot the song,
And in my times of distress I sing it to myself...

"There Is No Problem Too Big"

There is no problem too big,
God cannot solve it...
There is no mountain too tall,
He cannot move it...
There is no storm too dark,
God cannot calm it...
There is no sorrow too deep,
He cannot soothe it...

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,
I tell you my brother that He will carry you...

If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,
I tell you my sister that He will carry you...

And He said,
"Come unto me,
And I will give you rest...."

-END-

Funny how we sought to uplift others,
And when we do,
We open ourselves to grace when distress comes.

www.crosswalk.com

2005-03-01T16:04:00.000+08:00

Was reading an article on singles...
I'll elaborate the contents tomorrow,
Right now,
I'm just wondering about some things...

Ok,
I know for sure, trying to patch things up at this point of time,
Is definitely not God's will...

Sooooooooooooooo.....
From the article,
It mentioned Permissive will and Perfect will.

Permissive Will:
To ask and ask, again and again...
Till God choose to give in to you, because He loves you.
This may be good, but its certainly not the best.
The problem is,
Things don't usually work out right when we are only in His Permissive Will.

Perfect Will:
This is the ideal, the best scenario God had intended.
Basically, the way God had things planned.

Question is:
Which is which?
Is being with her in God's Permissive or Perfect Will?

This is my dilemnma....

You see,
I met her when I was finally contented
Or rather having come to terms with being single.
Though, I did ask God for someone,
I prayed that God to do it in His Perfect Will...
"Your Will be done", and for the first time I meant it...
And it wasn't before long,
That she popped into my life...
And the rest as they say is history...

So now the thing is,
Were we meant to be together in the first place?
I still believe so.
But I'm just not that certain as before.
Simply because on hindsight now,
I see God's hand in it...
Kinda like priming me for what to expect...
But right now,
I'm not sure whether what I saw then,
Was because that was what I wanted to see,
Or was it that was what it suppose to be.

I did remember asking God not to put her into my group before I met her,
I did remember not wanting to join the camp,
I did remember she telling me she did not want to join as well,
So why did the both of us participate at the last minute,
Why did she join my team?
Why was I given a chance to share with her my thoughts in a social setting unknowingly,
Why was I primed to accept her, despite my usual principles?
Why was I moved to forgive and love and treasure her totally?
Why was I worked on by God so thoroughly?

If God hadn't intended for us to be together,
Why?

And it is because there are so many unanswered questions,
That I cannot bring myself to accept that her presence in my life,
Is simply because I had asked God for it one too many times for someone,
That He finally gave in to me...
I doubt this is God's Permissive Will...

But like usual,
One will only comprehend this episode,
When we have passed the trial,
And moved on to another journey...

Is she overwhelmed?

2005-03-01T15:58:00.000+08:00

Last night,
She and I had an unexpected talk together....
Unexpected in the sense that we didn't planned it...
Much was said,
But sadly, it seems we're nowhere near getting back together.
When I asked her about her thoughts about patching up,
Her reply was that she did not want to.
Not that she does not love me,
But rather she is not ready for it.
I still did not understand.

This morning a good friend of mine called from Canada,
And helped me see things from her point of view.
It did made some sense...
And upon further thoughts,
I added some of my own understandings...
For one,
When someone loves another
More than the other can reciprocate,
The person being loved more would feel the pressure
To reciprocate in kind.
Unfortunately,
When one is pressured in this case,
Not everyone can feel they can return the love sufficiently...
And there are a few ways they'll react...
One way, they simply bask in the love they receive,
And the giver would eventually burn out,
Conflicts would start, and things would break down...
The other way,
Is that the one on the receiving would try to better the other,
Like in a competittion,
Both would eventually be too exhausted to love each other anymore.
Another way,
Would be what both of have taken,
Or rather she has taken...
To call a time-out,
Or in this case choose break-up.
Is this the best solution?
I do not know.
My friend mentioned about being balanced...
Don't really understand that part yet though,
But I think she's trying to say,
That apart from being able to give,
One must learn to take as well...
When we do not take,
We deprive the other person the gift of giving...

Perhaps,
She's been giving all that she could probably muster right now,
And yet still feel that she's not given enough...

Perhaps,
She is overwhelmed, and does not know what to do...

But if that is the case,
Does it mean I have to love her less?
How can you love the other person less?
How can one choose control how much you love?
Why is this so confusing?
How is it that this problem surfaces only now?

Treasure it...

2005-03-01T02:18:00.000+08:00

To those fortunate people,
Love your partners,
Don't ever let the relationship degenerate beyond salvage,
And above all,
Cherish and treasure what you have now,
For the person you love may not always be there...

1 Corinthians 13:4... LOVE

2005-03-01T00:51:00.000+08:00

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..."

This is what most people using NIV version,
Would read and see that, "Love is patient"...
But I beg to differ,
Apart from simply waiting for the party to change,
Or find the answers that she seeks,
Check out what NKJV version says about Love,

"Love suffers long and is kind;
Love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up"

Indeed,
Love is long suffering,
To the person who loves,
It is a choice of suffering he chooses to go through,
Be it sacrifice or simply to wait in expectation,
And getting hurt or disappointed
Time and time again...
Love is a choice...
Not an obligation...
Love is loving out of one's own free will...
God chose to love us,
And He certainly was not obligated to love us,
Simply because He created us...
To love, even when it hurts,
To wait, even though it means being disappointed...

Something farnie

2005-02-25T11:14:00.000+08:00

Moving Right Along by Muppets

Movin' right along in search of good times and good news,
With good friends you can't lose,
This could become a habit!
Opportunity knocks once let's reach out and grab it (yeah!),
Together we'll nab it,
We'll hitchhike, bus or yellow cab it!
(Cab it?)

Movin' right along.
Footloose and fancy-free.
Getting there is half the fun; come share it with me.
Moving right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon).
We'll learn to share the load.
We don't need a map to keep this show on the road.

(Hey, that song is sounding better Fozzie.)

Movin' right along,
We've found a life on the highway.
And your way is my way,
So trust my navigation.

California here we come, the pie-in-the-sky-land.
Palm trees, and warm sand.
Though sadly we just left Rhode Island.
(We did what?!)
(Just forget it.)

Movin' right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon).
Hey LA, where've you gone?
Send someone to fetch us, were in Sasketchewan!

Movin' right along (doog-a-doon doog-a-doon).
You take it, you know best.
Hey, I've never seen the sun come up in the West?

Movin' right along.
We're truly birds of a feather,
We're in this together and we know where we're going.
Movie stars with flashy cars and life with the top down.
We're storming the big town,
(Yeah, Storm is right should it be snowing?)
(Uh, no I don't think so...)

Movin' right along,
Do I see signs of men?
Yeah, "welcome" on the same post that says "come back again."
Moving right along, nice town!
Footloose and fancy-free,
You're ready for the big time...
Is it ready for me?

Movin' right along,
Movin' right along,
Movin' right along,
Movin' right along.

Anger Management

2005-02-25T10:55:00.000+08:00

That's today's devotional title "Our Daily Bread"...
Its mentions that its no good to brood over injustices,
To try to set things right on our own,
Or to let our lustful desires determine our decisions.
Submitting to our own desire for pleasure will lead to
"wars and fights" inside us and with those around us...
And sometimes though we may get what we want,
We're left feeling unsatisfied.

Last night a terrible night,
A war raged within me on both fronts...
Those thorns in my mind drilled me,
While I was tempted to call her,
To not trust God in His time,
To act in His place...
I couldn't sleep, as I was tormented relentlessly...
Though I tried stand firm,
I managed to refrain myself from taking the initiative,
But I gave in to my mental torments...
Just so it would leave me in peace, and let me sleep...

This morning when I woke up,
Feeing shitty and all,
I decided to read the Bible passage,
What I read, I understood for I just experienced it last night...

And now as I print my thoughts here,
Slowly, I'm beginning to see all the problems that I'm having-
Mainly the degeneration of my relationship with her,
Basically stems from me.
For example,
I feel the injustice of more expendible compared to her friends,
Or rather she values her friends more than she values me...
I brood over it...
Then I try to set things right,
By confronting her head-on,
Asking her hard questions that are easy for me,
But not so for her...
In the end, we end up having fights with each other...
Though she has given in to me before,
I was not satisfied, because I knew somewhere in her,
She was not happy,
And I was unsatisfied,
Because I did not have her attention completely,
Simply because she had to give in...
This led to more internal conflict between us....
On my part, I wanted more time with her,
While on her part she wanted time for her friends too...
And this was a heart-wrenching time for me,
'Cause to me, that was as good as saying,
"You're boring, you're not interesting enough to hold my attention."

Funny thing about today's passage,
It talks about taking a "time-out",
And use the time to take a walk with God,
One who understands us better than we understand ourselves...
The passage doesn't just leave us blaming
Ourselves for the problems we create,
It gives a solution...
To take a walk with God,
And tell Him about our angers and mullings...
To tell Him our frustrations...

Finally,
the author gave me some peace of mind by saying
that I can ask God to meet my needs,
For He gives "more grace"...
Something that I know for certain,
He does not gives just enough,
But it is in His nature to give till your cup is overflowing...
My needs are simple... Just her...

When anger lingers in our hearts,
It poisons all we think and do;
But faith seeks ways to show God's love
And keeeps our spirit strong and true. - D.De Haan

Cheerios....
I still do not what God has in store,
But this passage may have showed me why...

Passage taken from:
http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb-02-25-05.shtml

God's Working On It!

2005-02-24T10:31:00.000+08:00

Yesterday,
She called me... It was a first after such a long time...
Nonetheless, it was very pleasant to know that you're still in her thoughts....

But the call soon went into a downspin,
And instead of being constructive,
It just end up being a little messy...
Last night, she went to a Ladies' Night Bar,
And I went to play basketball, didn't want to think about it...
But still, I would sometimes wonder about her safety and all...

This morning I called her before she left for work,
To see whether we could meet after her work tonight...
All she said was, "See how first, k?"
This usually meant that she'll forget to call,
Or she doesn't feel like meeting up...

Well, actually that's not the end of the whole story...

After that, depression set in...
I cried out to God... Its been a long time since I've done that...
Last time I did that,
Was more than a year ago, just before I met her...
That time I cried out to God when would I find someone...
Today,
I cried out to Him for answers again...
Asking how such a wonderful relationship,
Had degenerated into something totally different.
Asking why had it been allowed to pass...
Asking how can I salvage this,
What does He want me to do?
Does me want me to leave her,
Move on and look for someone new,
Or simply hold on and wait for miracle,
For Him to change her heart?

I thank God for His answer in the most divine manner...
It was then I felt I needed to look for my copy of
"Our Daily Bread"...
But somehow I just couldn't find it...
At that point of time,
I felt crushed, 'cause I thought even God left me...
But just as that thought came in,
A voice spoke out to me and told me to seek harder,
"Ask and ye shall receive, Seek and ye shall find..."
It was then I tried my brother's room,
Lo and behold,
It was next to his bed,
So I took it and read today's passage...
First thing I saw was a name of a girl, "Melissa"...
And when I saw that, I cried, and I couldn't stop...
I cried and cried and cried...
For I know at that point of time I knew God understood my pain...
You see,
"Melissa" (Not my gf's name) was the name of the author's daughter.
I know of her because the author had been writing about her before.
Melissa passed away in a car accident.
This was an entry from a parent that lost his daughter,
And how he tells his readers to praise God in all adversities...
I lost it, 'cause I felt God reaching out to me once again,
This time through someone who has experience
Losing a loved one, in this case a more severe manner...
After that,
I heard God telling me to trust in Him and in His ways.
To trust that what He has blessed me with,
Was not a stone, nor a snake...

⁹“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:9-11

And that I needed to let it go,
Submit it completely to Him and let Him work on it...
For if I choose to handle it,
It would only become more complicated...
Just trust in Him to settle the situation.

¹¹ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD"
Jeremiah 29:11-14

How true...
When I came to realise He had a plan,
Only did I call upon Him and pray to Him,
And He has done what He has promised,
And He has heard me....

I do not know how things would work out,
But I know its for the better,
Simply because "God's Working On it!"

Think I'll make that my coin-phrase from now on...

Have a blessed day people....

HOW?

2005-02-23T10:37:00.000+08:00

How is it that she seems to have no sense of attachments at all,
After being in this relationship for so long?

How is it that she craves for the attention of her friends,
More than the one who loves her?

How is it that I feel so bloody terrible inside,
And she doesn't seem to share the same sentiments?

Its days like this when I think about how much fun she's probably having,
Now that she doesn't have me around
Since I've always been giving her the sense of guilt,
I feel absolutely crap about it...
Am I being normal,
Or am I too self-centred and the entire problem lies with me?

Could some kind soul passing by please enlightened me?
Really appreciate some advice...
It'll be better if you're a Christian brother...
Cause' I think I'm being obnoxious, but still feel wronged at the same time...

Argghhh... Think I'm sick...

2005-02-22T15:29:00.000+08:00

Went to the bathroom twice today...
Having diarrhoea...
Must be my mom's breakfast...
Also, my nose feels like its an open tap!
Running like crazy!!!
Good thing I didn't go for work today...
Otherwise...
Let's just say things would be messy!

Its a new day... A new chapter... Singlehood...

2005-02-22T10:00:00.000+08:00

Here I Am

Here I am - this is me
I come into this world so wild and free
Here I am - so young and strong
Right here in the place where I belong

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart
It's a new day - in a new land
And it's waiting for me - here I am

Written by:

B. Adams
Gretchen Peters
Hans Zimme

Inspiration...

2005-02-22T09:37:00.001+08:00

That song was one of my fav' song whenever
I am downcast and out...
It reminds one that
Whenever a new chapter in life starts,
Its like being in a new land,
A new start...
Where I belong? I hope not...
Rather, certainly not...
Though I'm trying to accept the change in my life,
I know for certain that I cannot embrace singlehood fully...
I never liked being alone,
Perhaps that explains why I needed her more than she needs me...
Ah well,
Its a new world, a new start...

Aftermath...

2005-02-21T21:33:00.000+08:00

Called her today to remind her to suspend her line...
Apparently, some jerk had to steal her phone from her bag...
Feels really weird...
She still calls me, "Dear..."
And I so want to say the same thing,
But somehow, the word just doesn't come out!
Strange but true...
How I wish things were back as they were...
In the end, I just called her by her name,
Really feel bad about it...
Cause' I dunno how she's taking it...
Don't want her to feel I now love her less or anything,
But this is a break...
How does one take a break,
And still let the other party know that the feelings
Are still as strong?
We've taken a break from each other,
Trying to work out things within ourselves...
But its so hard...
Really feel like a jerk now...
Feel like taking a vacation for the next few weeks...
My bloody clientele situation is also a mess...
Everything things is in such chaos...
But at least , I'm no longer paralysed by my grief...
Starting to move on,
But the progress is slow....
Somehow, my guy pals found out about through my blogs...
Dun know which one of them actually bothers about such things...
Didn't want them to know so early,
Cause' I didn't really want to repeat the story...
Really drains my energy and my spirit everytime
Someone asks me about it...
Sorry guys... Will tell you about it in time to come...
Will be fine...
Don't worry... There's no way I'll swallow 60 pills...
Dun have such a big mouth... =)
I just need time by myself for a while...
Still miss her a hell lot...
Being separated from her like this is really uncomfortable...
Take a pilot for an example,
After getting so accustomed to flying in his jet for so long,
And then dropping the bomb on him
By telling him his grounded for life due to whatever reasons...
I doubt he'll be able to take it too...
There's this ache in my heart,
That's kinda throbbing a little still...
But don't worry, I'll live...
3 months is no joke....
Many ppl tell me its a lost cause,
And even though she might return then,
Things would have changed btw her and me...
It'll just be an empty shell...

I know the possible outcome of those scenarios...
But let me be the fool again...
I'm trying to keep the faith here...
Thanks...

Why did He let His Son die?

2005-02-21T16:52:00.000+08:00

To those reading this, I suggest you read my earlier entry
To orientate yourself, otherwise it'll not make much sense!

Some might think badly of Him...
How could He have allowed His Son to perish?
Allow me to paint a picture:

One day, after the Fall of Man...
God on His throne knew there was only one way
To save His beloved creations...
That was through the death of His Son.
And when Jesus came to know about it,
His love for the Father, compelled Him to
Sacrifice himself for us... His creations... Mortals...
This was a scene of Perfect Love...
Between God and man...
Father and Son...
Jesus and man...
A sacrifice is not a sacrifice,
Unless the victim is the willing party...
And so Jesus sacrificed Himself for us,
So that we may gain eternal life through him...

Some may say,
"What's the big deal? Its only for 3 days!"

When you truly love someone so deep,
And when you have to let them go....
Even for a day it hurts...
One cannot even begin to imagine the pain,
Unless one experience it...

If you are a father,
Imagine I come up to you and say,
"Let me clobber your kid,
Nail him up on the cross for all to see,
Naked and bruised, head to toe,
Pierce a spear just to check if he's dead,
For the good of all mankind...
And after that, I'll revive him somehow!
Don't worry, its only going to be for 3 days!"

Would you let me do that? Do you have the heart?
If you feel that pain reading that,
Imagine what God had to go through...

On the Lighter side... The Great Fool...

2005-02-21T16:07:00.000+08:00

He is the biggest Fool of us all!
And who is he? Let u guys in on it later...
Some things he's been doing...
He knew that should he begin the relationship,
The other party would let him down...
Break his heart,
Grief him so badly...
No matter what he does,
It never seem enough to satisfy the other,
Never enough to please the other,
Never enough to have love reciprocated the way he loved!
Yet, he still chose to love...
People often ask him why,
But seldom he'll find somebody who truly understands...
In fact, it'll take a lot of trials for his friends to comprehend...
What a fool he is! We all say...
Why bother? We all say...
"True love" is when you love and are loved in return, they'd say...
His only reply would be, "Then you do not know love at all..."
One wonders who is he? I'll tell you!
He is none other then God!
He loved his people so much, he sent his beloved son to die for them...
To save them from eternal death,
But what did he get in return? Nothing...
His love was not returned in kind,
Only a handful did reciprocate... me excluded...
Before yesterday, I had always deemed Him a fool too...
But now I know better...
"True love" is when you love out of your own free will,
It is a choice to love even though
It hurts...
It is illogical...
It is not reciprocal...
Basically, its unconditional...
Its a lesson only yourself will learn...
And its something you cannot express with mere words...
It takes more than that...
Perhaps, even the heavenly language cannot fully express
The full extent of the meaning of the 4 simple words... LOVE...
Only God can...
And being made in His image,
We have the privilege to bask ourselves in this gift...
Truly,
" Greater love has no one than this,
......that he lay down his life for his friends."

May I add, even though not all will reciprocate it...

Emptiness...

2005-02-20T18:23:00.000+08:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's all there is... an empty void... cold dark void...

How apt...

2005-02-20T18:17:00.000+08:00

She's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know
'Though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on
So tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine
But tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

Why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

heaven knows...

Never knew this would apply to me...
Know some of you might think its cheesy...
Let's see how you'd do if you were in my shoes...
So bugger off...

"Fear"

2005-02-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

Fear: fîr
1. To be afraid or frightened of.
2. To be uneasy or apprehensive about: feared the test results.
3. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

I'm afraid. Truly frightened.
Though with many assurances, I still am powerless to shake off this overwhelming dread.
I fear my choice today, will mark my colossal loss. An epic greek tragedy.
Given the plight that I am in, how else would one make an wiser alternative?
I chose to let her go. Let her free.
Hoping that she'll return, for thence both will know we'll be together for certain.
But now I fear, fear that she may not return.
Fear that someone else, may exploit this vulnerable period.
Fear that we may not be as close as before.
Why then did I chose so foolishly?
Only so that one could learn the lesson of "loss" and the meaning of "cherish".
One could never learn of one without the other.
Therefore, I chose to risk it all, but only to find myself suffering at the end of it all.
Though, she asks that I only trust her,
I find that its an uphill task with no end in sight.
Everyday and night I battle my doubts with what I know of her, and yet that is not suffice,
For I am an insecure sentient mortal.
I have traded a "diamond in the rock" with God,
Now I know not whether I'll get in return a polished jewel,
Or nothing at all,
Nothing but a lesson to be learnt.
If that were so,
I'd rather be sad with the rough,
Then with nothing at all...

"Today"

2005-02-20T17:14:00.000+08:00

Tis a dark day today...
Today is the day I made a choice...
A choice that would change many things...
Set in motion, events beyond my control and my knowledge...
Everyday, we make decisons that have similiar effects, so what's so special...
Today, I feel that as if half of me has died.
Today, I have no more tears left in me.
Today, I am alone...
Today, I ached...
Today, against logic and sense, I broke up with the only one I love...
Today, I am anxious of what tomorrow may bring...
Today, I am truly afraid...
Today, I face my greatest fear again... Loss...
Today tis' a dark, dark day indeed...

After reading this I somehow feel better... Strange... (Part 1)

2005-01-28T01:46:00.003+08:00

It's a Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody runs in from the parking lot and says, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio." And while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to it, the announcement is made: "Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital dying from the mystery flu."

Within hours it seems, this thing just sweeps across the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote. Nothing is working. USA, Asia, Africa, Europe, Australasia. It's as though it's just sweeping in from all over the world. And then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the world, through all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one simple thing: Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken.

Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night, there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home." You stand around, scared, with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is going on and if this is the end of the world.

After reading this I somehow feel better... Strange... (Part 2)

2005-01-28T01:46:00.002+08:00

Suddenly a young man comes running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says, "Daddy, that's me." Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. And they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type." Five tense minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another-some are even laughing. It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect. It's clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine."

As the word begins to spread all across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and laughing and crying. But then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and you wife aside and says, "May we see you for moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we need ... we need you to sign a consent form." The number of pints of blood to be taken is empty.

After reading this I somehow feel better... Strange... (Part 3)

2005-01-28T01:46:00.001+08:00

"H-how many pints?"

And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he says, "We had no idea it would be little child. We weren't prepared. We need it all."

"But-but...You don't understand."

"We are talking about the world here. Please sign. We need it all!"

"But can't you give him a transfusion?"

"If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you sign?"

In numb silence, you do. Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with him before we begin?" Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?" Can you take his hands and say, "Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?" And when that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've got to get started. People all over the world are dying." Can you leave? Can you walk out while he is saying, "Dad? Mom? Dad? Why, why have you forsaken me?"

And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honour your son, and some folks sleep through it, and some folks don't even come because they go to the lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care. Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED FOR YOU! DON'T YOU CARE?"

Is that what GOD wants to say? "MY SON DIED FOR YOU. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE?"

Arghhhhhhhhh!

2005-01-28T01:07:00.000+08:00

I'm a fucking walking disaster!

I LOVE MY GAL...BUT...

2005-01-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

Yups, I love my darling that's why I'm saying all this...

I'm just really frustrated at how things have turned out ever since she started work... So much quarrels so much differences and so little time to figure them out... Nowadays, when we quarrel, Char just takes it upon herself to give in to me, and shoves it under the carpet... Dear I love you, but this ain't the way to settle things... Babe, I think we need to set a time to talk it over... Its not fair to you nor to me either, and there's something seriously wrong about the way we do things, that we really need to change.... Now the times have change, and we have to stop fighting and find a way where we can adjust with the change, instead of resisting it, flow with it....

And we need to do it ASAP, face to face and not over the phone....

It hasn't gone to the point where we need a counsellor yet, but if you've as aware of things as I am, you'll probably agree with me that there are severals things we really need to iron out... And when we meet up, we'll have to stay focused on us.... not my job, or your fren's phone etc... Just you, me and God... If we want this to work out, we'll have to rough it out babe...

When you've done reading this... Gimme a call, and see where we go from there...

Confessions: The Trilogy... Part 1

2005-01-27T15:40:00.000+08:00

Time for a confession…

I had almost orchestrated my relationship’s own demise.

True, we’ve been somehow at loggerheads these few days, of which I’m partly to blame… She complains that I do not give in anymore, whereas on my part I’ve got a few other factors that I contemplate. For the issue of picking her up from work, who is really giving in? Me or her? I’ve yet to figure that one out… That’s a complicated one cause that involves sacrifices that both parties are more than willing to make… So it is really subjective… Next is how much should I give, and yet still stand tall as a man? Chauvinistic? I’m a guy so sue me… But seriously, its more like “I don’t want to be a ‘Yes-man’!” kind of feeling… Especially when certain things I think are rather uncalled for… If one were to give in to his gf every time, I’d think he’s soft and does not really have his own opinions, but I’m not advocating to stand on your rights and opinions all the time, ‘cause that’ll make you an arse to be with… So the question here really is how much is too much? How far do you go making your point? When do you give in to her requests? Do you give in, even though you know for certain it’ll create more harm then good?

Confessions.... Part 2

2005-01-27T15:39:00.000+08:00

Apart from that, I’m getting a little queasy about this particular this guy friend of hers that she recently met at work … Yan Sen, don’t worry, I think you’re a cool friend to be with… Really nice chap that one… Anyways, back to the mean issue… With the recent event still fresh in mind, there is this guy friend of hers that she recently met at work, that is getting me all wired… You see, my darling is not really that open a person… In fact, although her appearance and antics are all very bubbly and outgoing, she’s rather reserved when it comes to matters of the heart… However, recently when she was utterly pissed shitless at me for arguing with her again, till the point where she was contemplating abt breaking up, she confided in (of all ppl) this guy friend of hers that she recently met at work… And this is what’s been setting my spider-sense tingling all over… Also, they kinda sms each quite a bit, which sets me on overdrive!

You know something? You know that I know that you think I’m crazy and shit... But wouldn’t you feel the same? I know getting all suspicious and crap doesn’t bode or reflect well on our relationship… I seriously wish I could be like some of my friends that couldn’t care less about whom they’re gals hang with…

Confessions.... Part 3

2005-01-27T14:46:00.000+08:00

You see, I’m coming from experience…

I’ve a friend that had a bf of 2 years but they still broke up… All because she began confiding in one of her guy friends that she knew for a short period of time… eventually, she and that friend of hers grew closer, while her bf drifted further… in the end they broke up, while the guy friend of her played a passive but crucial role in the classic romance tragedy… I was that guy friend…

I’m in a fucking dilemma now… I do not want my darling to be restricted with who she hangs with ‘cause I’d feel guilty knowing that she has to sacrifice again for my insecurities, I want her to be happy… But yet on one hand, I can’t stand it when so much is shared between the 2 of them, especially things that are so personal… But yet I cannot expect her to keep it all inside of her, otherwise she’ll explode, nor could I tell her who she can and cannot share things with… Arggh… Fuck insecurities….

Who knows what I know? Who comprehends my thoughts? Who understands my actions? Who shares my sentiments?

Today is ventilation day… Feel better though, wish I could say the same about my situations….

Who knows what I know? Who comprehends my thoughts? Who understands my actions? Who shares my sentiments?

Today is ventilation day… Feel better though, wish I could say the same about my situations….

Is it just me?.... (Part 2)

2005-01-27T14:43:00.001+08:00

Think I'm saint? Think again....

Before you do so, let me say I ain't perfect, I can be quite stubborn sometimes and insist on my way... For example: Tattoos and Bike license... I'm very against tattoos, 'cause I believe they're taboo! Originated from pagan practices, and its like markings you make on cows... May be pretty but serves no point! The second, I'm not so stiff about it 'cause I know and understand why she wants to learn to ride a bike(Even now I still want to get a bike license one day, 'cause I want my Harley-Davidson V-Rod, which she thinks is ugly!)... Only reason I'm against her getting it now is this: She ain't ready!!!

With what authority you may ask?

Well, with this: I know, ‘cause I wanted the exact same thing like her. I wanted the coveted bike license… Well, fortunately my parents were against the idea, and now looking back on hindsight I’m grateful that they did! You see, after getting my car license, I came to discover how dangerous it is for a biker whenever he/she takes to he roads. There is simple no room for error. You slip, you crash & you get severely injured… And there is so many dangers that she has yet to encounter; blindspots, drowsy drivers, drunks, Indian pedestrians in black jaywalking at 2am (they think that invisibility is a good thing!)… etc… These are the stuff I encountered only through driving! Also, there’s my emotional and recklessness that usually makes me drive out-of-control, speeding and running red-lights etc…. With all these in mind, I told my gal that I’ll be cool with her taking a bike license only after getting her driving license and been driving for a year… Point being that, she’ll be educated on the perils of riding a bike, and with that knowledge better equip her whilst riding… And also for both of us to find out her how temperamental she is while she is driving, as that often translates into how temperamental while riding, which coincidently translates into how ready is she to take up riding…

Reasonable enough? Hope so…

Is it just me?... (Part 1)

2005-01-27T12:28:00.000+08:00

Ok pple, time to 'fess up! How many of you pple out there are actually worried about your gals?!
I mean really concerned? And not just paranoid?

If you read this, please tell me am moi from "Para-Para Paranoid Land" or am I just being sweet like any other bf around town? Come on ppl, be supportive man!

Here's the deal:
My darling, she works from 10.15am to 9.15pm with only half an hour to eat for every meal... (Lunch and Dinner) So that means, poor her gotta stand on her heels for like at least 10hrs! So I decided to pick her up from work and drive her home, and in doing so spare her from public buses (which she claims she likes!) . Unfortunately, we've been fighting over this matter quite recently , and almost ran into some real trouble... She doesn't like me to go down there 'cause she thinks it ridiculous to drive all the way to her workplace, send her home and then drive back up... She feels guilty too for all the petrol expended and the energy that I've to spend... So here's the part I can't seem to understand: If I'm the willing party, why can't she be okay with it? Why can't the girl be appreciated about, kiss me and both of us be happy-ever-after??? Geez...

I mean, I appreciate the fact that she doesn't demand that I pick her up every night (as most of you would I believe!) and since that is the case I feel more obliged as I feel she deserves it, y'know what I mean? Really, if your gal can be so understanding, don't you feel that giving anything less is not acceptable??? That's one big problem with us... I want to give, but she dun wanna accept...

Life's like that...

2005-01-22T11:04:00.000+08:00

"How now brown cow?"
That's what my pal Glenn used to say whenever we run into an obstacle... Funny thing is, I still dunno why he said what he said... I mean, have you ever gotten a response from a cow? Okay, you'd probably would have gotten a "Moo...". But what else? Nada....
As if it'll go, "Moo, try shifting the gear... Moo..."

Geez, anyway being a property agent ain't as easy as seems... Now I know better! Used to think that, its all easy-peasy, but not now... You see apart from being the co-ordinator, you have to be a keen listener and really good at picking details, sorta like a CSI agent... Picking up traces of clues, points that he client may accidently divulge. Why? Cause, that's the ammunition for negotiation bro! Bing-bang bada-boom... But it ain't easy, especially with no-one teaching what to look out for and pick up...

Unfortunately, many people think its an easy job... Just like I used to...

You know you've got problems you gotta deal with, and issues you need to settle when you start getting paranoid about your relationship with your other half... For me, its really tough... See, I've got an amazing darling... B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L babe... Lucky me eh? I'm not complaining, but as with most guys they get rather... hmmmm... wats a good word... you know... that lah... Well, one would tend to be a little concerned over her friends... Those of the opp. sex... Especially, when she starts exclaiming how cute or gorgeous they are... I'm no Brad Pitt, but I know where I rank... ANYWAY, sometimes it does kinda make you wonder how much of it are just her fantasies, and how much of it are... you know... that...

I'm coming from experience, when your lady says things like that, there are only a few explanatory scenarios:
1) She really likes the guy = You're fucked! Or kill that sucker!
2) She's just teasing with you = Ooooh... that bitch!
3) She's having eye-candies = Do something, before you're fucked! There is still hope...
4) She wants your attention = Where the hell have you been? Planet Venus??
5) She... well... gulp... "She's lost that loving feeling, and now its gone, gone, gone... wooowoooo"
= Look for a guy called "Hitch" quick... Cause' that's one area I ain't got the slightest clue what to do....

Good nites....

Hair Issues

2005-01-17T15:50:00.000+08:00

Just had me hair trimmed today.
I kinda forgot the tell the nice barber that I like to keep my fringe, while he could make the rest of my hair shrink... Alas, now I think Spongebob looks much better than me!

Looking squarish would probably be an understatement, fortunately the nice barber helped me apply some wax... without my glasses on it did look goo..., but when I put them on, I realised that I made a mistake, now not only I look squarish, the bloody wax simply defined it more! As if it wasn't bad enough, he had to spike it up to complete the square... I left my glasses off...

Goodness....

What if....

2005-01-15T14:36:00.000+08:00

1) Tsunami hit Sunny Singapore?
We Sings would probably be the next Atlantis waiting for the next generation to discover us... Not to mention the only relic we ever had too: "The Fort" @ Katong Park...

2) Singapore had been run by communists?
Hell, we'd be running around singing chinese songs.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What a nightmare! No internet! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're soooooooo gonna die!!!!

3) My girlfriend was prettier?
Nah... Not possible... Any prettier, the angels up there would be buying cosmetics....

4) I had not been in National Service?
I'd be a millionaire by now... sigh...

5) I was a millionaire?
I'd be typing this blog on my snazzy laptop, onboard my personal jet to the Caribbean for lunch with my sweetie....
(See, I love her so I mention about her... But does she do that? NooOoooo.... Nada... Zilch!)

6) The Third Reich succeeded?
We'll be anticipating for the Fourth, the Fifth... and so on... Its a tradition for those psychomaniacs who wants to take over the world.... The more the merrier they'd say!

7) The sky wasn't blue?
It'll be funny for it to be polka-dotted with pink background yah?

8) This blog was never written?
You'd be saving yourself a few precious minutes...

9) Computers were never invented?
Blogs would be thick tablets of stone inscribed with words that'll take days to complete, hanging from some face of a cliff for all to see...

10) Mothers were not so gossipy?
The world as we know, would be a better place!

11) Girlfriends were not so gossipy?
Hah! Like that would happen! Of course the world would be a more duller place....

12) If SAJC merged with ACJC?
We'd be CASA-JC... A school of casanovas, c-asa wangs & casanos....

Being Attached...

2005-01-15T02:35:00.001+08:00

Being attached ain't all that rosy
as most would make it to be...
Believe in that, and you'd probably be very disappointed!
Believe you, me...

Cause'
1) One day you'd realise she ain't as hyped up as you about each other...
You could be as happy as a pup, whereas she'd be just as excited as she would be eating your cooking... assuming you cook like me.... I make Charlie Chaplin look like Jean-Pierre!!!

2) She prefer you in the background...
Okay, this is just phooey! I mean keeping you low profile from parents is one thing, but from friends that's another, bub! Imagine this, if you like the oh-so-special relationship and the person too, wouldn't you be wanting to share the good news?

3) Think she likes kissing? Think again!
Half the time, while you think she's enjoying it as much as you are,
better rethink that again! She's just probably faking it... Like in "When Sally Meets Harry", I mean Meg faked orgasm right there and then in the diner!!! So what's a kiss?

So there.... Points to ponder for all of you sad bastards out there!